Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets A parody
by Potterfan1232
Summary: The second Story of the Harry Potter a Parody series. If you want to crack up read this story! Story is all done. I'm still looking forward to reviews. Give me reviews for Prisoner of Azkaban to come out faster.
1. An Elf in my House

_ I know I said I'll write this story in a week but I have too many ideas in my head! Don't read this if you haven't read my other story. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone A Parody! Here's the first chapter._

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_ In Harry's room._

Harry This is boring. My family's life is so boring. How do they live?_ Throws book away in a nearby trash can._

Hedwig Hey! Why am I stuck in this 24/7!? I have to get out! I've been punished enough!

Harry Oh shut up yyou stupid bird! It's not fault you're stuck there! Poop on Uncle Vernon!

Hedwig I would if you get me out of here! I hate being punished!

Harry Shut your ass up! They'll hear you!

Vernon Harry Potter!

Harry Now you've done it._ Goes downstairs._

Hedwig ...why am I blamed for everything?

_Downstairs._

Vernon If you can't keep that bloody bird quiet I'll eat him for dinner!

Harry Does it taste like chicken? I love chicken!_ Imagines Hedwig and then an illusion of him cooked._ Yum.

Vernon Oh shut up you idiot!

Harry Can't I at least let him out for an hour or two?

Vernon And let you give letters to friends! Hell no am I letting that happen!

Harry I was going to say get him a life supply of ice cream but I guess that would do.

Vernon Haha! You're sending mails to friends who doesn't even write!?

Harry Well they were!_ Thinks of an excuse beside stupid._ busy.

Vernon Pff! Yeah right!_ Turns to Dudley._ Okay son! You're done.

Dudley Who wants to be friends with you._ Pushes Harry._

Petunia Oh not yet Dudley Wudley! The cakes not ready!

Dudley Screw you!

Vernon Look. My boss is coming here for a promotion so don't do anything smart!

Harry Who the hell would give a stupid fatso a promotion!?

Vernon I'll pretend I didn't here that. Now Dudley what are you going to do?

Dudley Why I'll open the door.

Vernon Right on Son! Petunia?

Petunia I'll greet the Masons!

Vernon_ Petunia and Dudley gathers around Vernon._ And you?

Harry I'll be outside buying toys for Dudley.

Vernon I was going to say you were going to be in your bedroom pretending you don't even exist but I think that can do when the promotion is over.

Harry Are we having Hedwig for dinner?

Vernon OUT!

Harry_ Gets ready to leave._

Vernon What the hell! I meant go to your bedroom!

Harry Oh. I thought you said to leave.

_Upstairs Harry is about to his bedroom door._

Harry_ Sees a elf jumping on his bed._ Who are you?

Weird elf Harry Potter! What a grace to meet you!

Harry Ehh. They don't call me famous for nothing. So what are you?

Dobby I am Dobby the house elf.

Harry Ehh right. What are you doing here?

Dobby Dobby has come here to warn Harry Potter.

Harry Not to go to Hogwarts right? Don't worry. I won't. It was a boring place anyway.

Dobby Really! Harry Potter's not going!? Dobby thought you were going because well Harry's girlfriend um. Sissy. Was that her name? Is going to Hogwarts.

Harry GINNY! Now I'm hell of a man going!

Dobby You must not go to Hogwarts Witchcraft and Wizardry! Something terrible is going to happen.

Harry By terrible do you mean a basalisk is on the loose?

Dobby Ugh! Harry found out! Dobby must torture himself!_ Takes a lampost and smacks himself with it._

Harry Whoa. And I thought I was mad.

Dobby Bad Dobby! Bad Dobby!

Harry_ Dialing numbers on a phone._ Hello? Phyciatrist? I need your help. This mental house elf is trying to kill himself and-! Hey!

Dobby_ Takes Harry's Phone and smacks himself with it._

Phyciatrist Hello? Hello? Dialer are you there! Hello!? Kids. Beep. The person you have dialed is off the phone right now. Please call again after the beep. BEEP!

Harry_ Hears steps coming up._ _Takes Dobby and throws him into closet._ Stay there and keep quiet!

Vernon_ Door opens._ What the bloody hell are you doing in there!?

Harry Uh. Dialing my phones and trying to reach my friends?

Vernon How are you doing that when the phone cord is broken?

Harry ...uh. This is awkward.

Vernon Just keep quiet! And do something about that door!

Harry Yes sir.

_Dobby comes out from the closet._

Harry You see where I belong!? I don't belong here! I belong in your world! That's the only place I have friends!

Dobby Friends who don't even write?

Harry Well hold on. How do you know my friends haven't been writing?

Dobby Harry Potter must not be mad at Dobby but Dobby thought that if he stole Harry Potter's letter he would have thought they have forgotten about him.

Harry Ehh. Keep the letters. I don't give a crap. I'm still going to Hogwarts though!

Dobby Ugh! I have to show Harry how serious I am!

Harry You're not going to do anything to the Masons are you? Say drop a cake on them?

Dobby Hey! Good idea!

_Downstairs Dobby is levitating a cake._

Harry Dobby! Come back here!

Dobby Harry must say he will not go back to Hogwarts then!

Harry_ Crosses fingers._ Fine then! I will!

Dobby Ahh ahh ahh! No crossing fingers!

Harry Oh my god! Can't I lie or anything!?

Dobby Here Dobby goes!

_Harry chases after levitating cake and starts following it. The cake drops on Mrs Mason._

Vernon I'm sorry! He's a mad boy! Doesn't know what he's doing!

Harry _Sees Dobby vanish._ Oh you don't how dead you'll be when I see you again.

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_The first chapter of the story! I made it a little funnier than last time. That's my opinion. Please give me reviews about how the story is please. I would be extremely appreciated. _


	2. The Weasleys' Burrow

_ Here I my fans! Writing another chapter of the story. You see my sister is having party for her birthday and she invited some girls. They told me to go away so I decided to write another chapter for this story! I just ate some pizza. Yum! Here's your chapter!_

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_ Upstairs in Harry's bedroom._

Vermon_ Sawing Harry's window shut._ You'll never see your freaky friends again. Never!

Harry That's fine with me. As long as I don't have to give Dudley Presents.

Vernon Oh you will!

Harry Hey! That's no fair! Typer! Do something about this!

Vernon This is a parody! The typer just types up the movie and tries to make it funny!

Harry That sucks. I'm stuck here forever.

_Later that night. Harry sees a flying car coming toward him._

Harry Whoa. I'm going mad now. _Blue flying car is next to his house._ WHAAAA!!!!????? George! Uh. Young kid!

Ron Hey! That was really mean! I'm Ron!

Harry Oh. Ron. Right. George where's Fred?

Fred I'm FRED! George is down there playing golf._ A golfball comes out of nowhere and breaks Harry's window._

George SORRY! GOT CARRIED AWAY!

Ron Pack your bags we're going on a vaca-I mean a rescue!

Harry You know. I don't think I want to right now. You see-.

Fred Oh shut up and pack your bags! We'll handle the window and get George.

Harry Why is he down there?

Ron Fell off the flying car. Hit a fence in the nuts and fell on your lawn.

Harry That's completely normal. Always happens to Hedwig when he's in his cage. Hedwig ends up playing golf.

Ron Hurry!

_While Harry's packing Fred and Ron got George back on the car and tied a rope on the window and used Newtons 3rd rule. An opposite reaction will happen from a push or pull. Sorry! I love science!_

Vernon HOLY SHIT! HARRY'S ESCAPING!

Harry Wait! I forgot Hedwig!

George Forget about him! There's no time to get him!

Harry I only want him so that I can eat him. _Gets Hedwig who is inside his cage._

Hedwig What is with my owner! For the summer the only thing he thinks about me is eating me!

Vernon_ Dursley flock bursts in Harry's Room._ Petunia! He's escaping!

Harry Hell yeah I'm damn escaping!

_Vernon takes Harry's leg._

Harry Get off me you pervert! Look! I know I'm all handsome and everything but now is not the time to act gay!

Vernon Oh I'm not acting gay! I want you to come back here!

Harry Why?

Vernon So that we can have a happy dinner tomorrow! We'll have Hedwig!

Hedwig Hey! You won't take me alive!

Ron Drive!

_George drives the car and Uncle Vernon falls down._

Dudley Mum! You fell mum! YOU FELL!

Petunia Oh dear. When will Dudley learn that I'm his mother.

_In this place._

Harry WHAT THE HEll! You live in a bin!

George Got a problem if we do!?

Fred We're dirt poor!

Ron Come on! Lets go inside. Mum won't know.

_Inside the Weasleys' house._

Harry Wow. The smallest place ever. How do you live here?

Ron Well we feed on rats and toads.

Harry Eww! That's just sick!

George Well I think your food is disgusting!

Harry You never saw my food!

Fred Oh right!

_The Weasleys' mom comes out of nowhere._

Mrs Weasley Where have you been!?

Ron Uh. Toys R rus?

Harry Actually they were rescuing me.

Ron, Fred, and George HARRY!

Mrs Weasley OH YOU BOYS ARE SO!

Ron Oh shit. This is where her madness comes in.

Mrs Wealey SOO! Nice. How nice of you to rescue your friend!

Fred, Ron, and George WHAAAAAAATTTT!!!???

Mrs Weasley Lets eat breakfast shall we?

_In the breakfast table Mr Weasley comes in._

Mr Weasley Morning boys!

Ron, George, Fred, and Harry Morning dad/Mr Weasley!

Mr Weasley I had so many raids! Nine! Nine Raids!

Harry Raids?

Ron Dad works in the Ministry of Magic.

Ginny_ Comes from downstairs._ Do you know where my bracelet is?

Mrs Weasley Of course! It's next to the cat.

_Ginny sees Harry so she runs away._

Harry What! Come back here my love!

Ron Ginny. My sister kept on talking about you. It got quite annoying.

Harry SWEET! That means she loves me!

Ron She kept on saying insults about you.

Harry No!

Mrs Weasley Holy crap! It's Harry Potter! You know a lot about muggles. Tell me. What is the function of a rubber duck?

Harry Ahh screw that! They don't have a function!

Mrs Weasley Your sons have done the nicest thing ever! They took your flying car and rescued Harry.

Mr Weasley Do you mean that in sarcasm?

Mrs Weasley Of course not! Do you know how nice that is?

Mr Weasley NICE!? THAT IS AN EXTREMELY TERRIBLE THING TO DO BOYS!

Harry Is he always like this?

George Only when he drinks 25 bottles of beer._ Points at Mr Weasley whos drinking beer._

_ An owl comes in and smacks himself in a window._

Percy He's always doing that. Hey! Heres the supplies you need for your second year school supplies.Dumbledore must no your here.

Harry As always. How are we going to go to Diagon Alley?

Mrs Wealey Floo Powders.

Harry Freak Perverts!? What's that!?

_In the fireplace._

Harry Okay so now why are we here in the fireplace?

Ron I don't know! Ask Mum!

George He has short term memory loss.

Fred Watch._ Takes out nose bleeding pills._ Here Ron! Have some candy!

Ron Ooh! Candy! _Eats candy and starts getting a bloody nose._

Fred Watch again. Here Ron! Have some candy!

Ron OOH! Candy! _Eats candy and gets a bloody nose._

Mrs Weasley Since Ron is er having a small incident you'll go first Harry. Got to the fireplace._ Harry goes to the fireplace._ Take some floo powder._ Harry takes a handfull of floo powder._ Now sometimes when you say where you want to go you end up somewhere else! Now say Diagon Alley very clearly.

Harry DIAGON ALLEY!_ Drops floo powder and disapeers in flames._

Ron Lets hope he goes to Diagon Alley.

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_ Hahaha! Another exciting chapter of the story is done! Will Harry end up in Diagon Alley or will he not? Lets find out in the next chapter! But first gimme some reviews! _


	3. Florish and Blots

_ Another chapter for the story! I hope you like it. One review said that I kinda copied someones story in the last chapter so I'll try as hard as I can to make my own humor. By the way. I didn't get to go on Fanfiction and update because you see. My computer is busted. In other words, broken. As you can see I won't be able to type everyday like I have been able to. Sorry. Hey! At least they're is an enjoyable chapter here to my fans!_

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_In this place Harry finds himself in a store filled with skulls._

Harry Aw man! My glasses is broken! I hope someone here has lens!_ Looks around the room._ Whoa! Only an idiot would run a shop like this! _Sees there is no one to talk to._ At least I have my imaginary friend! Oh wait! He's dead.

_Looks around spooky shop filled with skulls, haunted stuff. and a HAND!_

Harry What the hell!? The shopkeeper here must be a murderer! He chopped off someone's hand! Maybe it's from Peter Pettigrew. Oh wait! I'm not supposed to know this yet and Peter Pettigrew doesn't chop his hand off until book 4. Oh well.

_Harry touches hand. Hand suddenly grabs onto Harry and locks him into victim!_

Harry HOLY CRAP! The hands alive! OW! This hand is taking steroids! Get off my hand you pervert!

Hand NEVER! NOT TILL A MILLION YEARS!

Harry WHOA! It just talked!

Hand I'm not supposed to talk in the movie but this is a parody so la la la la la! I like barney.

Harry Ooookkkaaayyyy. No seriously. Get off my hand. I really have to go to the Weasleys or better yet! The Malfoys!

Hand Oh really! Why didn't you say so?_ Let goes of Harry's hand._

Harry Hey! Thanks!

Hand No prob my friend. Please come back here in book 6.

Harry Okay. Sure._ Leaves shop._ _Sees scary people everywhere._ Whoa this is scary! Too many old people! _Feels a hand touch Harry's shoulder._ AHH!

Witch What you said about old people was mean! Appoligize!

Harry Nah. You're just a bunch of sick people.

Man_ Comes to Harry._ OH! Sick people you called us!_ Spits in his hand._ Time for you to join us! _Hand gets closer to Harry._

Everyone MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

Harry NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Hagrid Harry, what are you doing here!?_ Harry sees Hagrid on a staircase._ Come on here!

Harry I'd let go if these bunch of bastards gets off me! LET GO!

_People let goes and let Harry free from his prison. In the doorway to Diagon Alley._

Hagrid What were you doing in Knockturn Alley?

Harry Talking to a hand and getting myself into trouble. Hold on! Why were you in Knockturn Alley?

Hagrid Huh? Oh. I was just getting a bucket of Slug Reppelents.

Harry You've been drinking today in the Hog's head A bar in book 5. today. Am I right?

Hagrid _Hides away cans of beer._ Um. No. What made you think that?

Harry Oh nevermind. Hey! Hermione's here.

Hermione_ Appears from a bookstore._ Harry! Um. Who are you again?

Hagrid Psh. How nice is that. Names Hagrid, Hermionerdy.

Harry Hagrid! Your embarrasing me in front of my girlfriend.

Hermione WHAAAA!!!???

Harry Uh. Nothing. Where do we go?

Hermione I'll tell you when Hagreedy. Is that your name? Leaves this place.

Hagrid ScoffsFine geek! I will!_ Goes away._

Hermione What happened to your glasses?

Harry ARE YOU BLIND WOMAN! OF COURSE THEY ARE!

Hermione Oh my god. **Oculus Reparo.**_ Harry's glasses are repaired._

Harry Again. We're are we going?

Hermione We're going to the land of Narnia.

Harry REALLY! Sweet! Wait a minute! I thought the gateway to Narnia was closed in book 7! I'm not sure if it was.

Hermione Oh my god! Didn't the Weasleys tell you about Flourish and Blots?

Harry Freakin and Bastard? Nope. Never heard it from the Weasleys.

Hermione Oh! Lets just go!

_In Flourish and Blots._

Mrs Weasley Oh! That's great Harry that your here!

Harry Like I wanted to be here.

Person And now here is Perverty Idiot!

People BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Perverty Whoa. The pressure is on. I think Gilderoy Lockhart should go.

People YAY!

Perverty But then I won't have enough money to feed my starving family.

People BOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Perverty Oh fine! Here's the best writer ever! Gilderoy Lockhart!

_Blond dude comes in._

People YAY!

Gilderoy As you know! My name is Gilderoy Lockhart! The greatest writer ever. I hope you buy my buy my new story! A title that I forgot!

George Hey! Do you know the incantation for the locking charm?

Gilderoy Um. Why?

Ron So that he can ace the test.

Gilderoy Well in that case! **Alohomora**!

Hermione Really!? I thought it was **Colloportus**.

Gilderoy Good luck with your test!_ Sees Harry Potter and then Ron._ Holy shit. It's-.

Camera guy Harry Potter!_ Pushes Harry to the stage._

Gilderoy Ronal- I mean Harry Potter! Harry, you should smile.

Harry Smile my eyes!

Gilderoy Very well. _Shows out his bright teeth._

Harry AHH! My eyes! Good thing I'm wearing glasses._ Gilderoy's dazzling smile hits someone else and that person starts going blind._

_ Camera takes a picture._

Gilderoy Harry, we may even make it in the front page with you in it.

Harry Does that mean I get money?

Gilderoy Uh no. I TAKE ALL YOUR MONEY!

Harry NOOOO!!!!!

Gildery You take my collection of second year books for free!

Harry AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'VE BEEN STONED BY GOD!

_Trio are about to leave the bookstore until Malfoy comes out of nowhere._

Malfoy Uh um. I forgot my line. Oh wait! Famous Harry Potter. Can't even buy a book without getting in the front page!

Ginny Leave him alone.

Malfoy Hey! You've got a girlfriend! What's next? Potty trasining lessons?

Harry Hey! Who told you that! I mean! Of course not.

Lucious Be nice Draco. I wanna kill him off in book 5. So. You must be Harry Potter. The boy that people has been bickering about You-no-who has killed your parents.

Harry Ahh! They were nothing but a bunch of Hobos.

Lucious Right. Red hair. _Takes a book from Ron's basket._ Hand me down books. You must be Hermione.

Ron Um sir. I'm Ron. The Weasley? She's Hermione. _Points at Harry._

Harry Do I look like a girl!? She's Hermione_! Points at the REAL Hermione._

Lucious Really. Hmm. Not too bad looking for muggle parents.

Hermione HEY! Harry's a muggle to!

Harry Shut up Hermione!

Mr WeasleyWhat's this all about?

Lucious Ahh! Mr Weasley. It must be sad getting 9 raids from the Ministry.

Mr Weasley Well at least I'm not a Death Eater!

_Everyone looks at Lucious and starts yelling in terror._

Lucious OH NO! See you at work! _Runs away._

Malfoy See you at school._ Runs way with his dad._

_ In the train station._

Mrs Weasley Okay everyone run into the wall so that Dobby will get these two second years unable to get Hogwarts. _Weasleys runs into a wall and disapeers._

Harry and Ron Huh!? Dobby!? _Runs into a wall and falls down._ Ow!

Ticket seller Oy! What's up with you children.

Ron May I ask why this wall won't take us to Hogwarts?

Ticket Seller Hogwarts? Kids.

Harry Why can't we go through?

Ron Maybe it has something to do with a house elf.

Harry Maybe we should wait in the car.

Ron The car?

Harry You're not supposed to have plans! Your just supposed to be stupid!

Ron Oh right!

Harry I'll say it. The car?

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_A funny chapter finished! All I need now are reviews! Please give me some! I'm dying for them!_


	4. Whomping Willow

_ Another exciting chapter of the story! ENJOY!_

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_ The car is flying in the air._

Harry Ron! It's not normal for muggles to see a flying car._ A flying Nissan car passes by._ Maybe it is.

Ron I'll put on the invisibility booster on! _Presses a button._

Harry Sure. Okay.

_A few minutes later the car is visible._

Ron Oh no! The invisibility booster is faulted!

Harry No it isn't. Your just not pressing hard enough. _Presses a button so hard the air bag comes out and hits him really hard._

Ron Well at least no muggles will see us at least.

_Flying Car passes by a cemetary._

Susan Pevensie I'll love you all forever Peter, Edmund, and Lucy. Oh my god! A flying car!

Harry Right. Holy crap! A tree!_ steers steering wheel to the left._

Ron Oh cool! We're in the train tracks!

_Harry and Ron hears a whistle from a train._

Harry Did you hear that?

Ron Huh what? I heard a dog whistle.

Harry Nevermind Pervert.

_5 minutes later._

Harry Nothings here. _Train comes from behind them and crushes them._

Ron HEY! Typer! We don't die yet!

_Rewinding back to 5 minutes later._

Harry Nothings here._ Hears train coming right behind them._ Ahh!!!!!

_Car turns left. Harry's about to fall from it. _

Ron TAKE MY HAND!

Harry It's all sweaty!

Ron_ Pulls Harry back in the car._ Well I used the floo powder to go to the Yellow River and I touched it. Doesn't really feel yellow. It feels like pee and poop put together.

Harry What!? You just- I just! Aw sick man!

_5 seconds later._

Ron Are we there yet?

Harry Do you see anything labled HOGWARTS here?

Ron I think so. _Points to a sign saying HEY STUPID!_

Harry What an idiot.

_In Hogwarts ground._

Ron Welcome home, Ron.

Harry Why are you talking to yourself?

Ron Because I'm stupid!

Harry Oh right.

Ron Decide right now Harry! Where should we land?

Harry The girls bathroom, The Broom Cupboard, a tree I don't care.

Ron Tree it is. _Lands into a tree or as the story chapter says Whomping Willow._

Harry AHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I didn't take that seriously! Oh my god! I'm going to die 5 books earlier!

Ron AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! Mommy! Help me!

Harry and Ron _Hugs each other in terror._ AHHHHH!!!!!!!! STUPID MOTHER NATURE IS GOING TO KILL US ALL!!!

_Whomping Willow continues hitting the car._

Ron _Takes his wand._ STOP! STOP! STOP!

Harry You don't do it like that you doofus! _Steals Ron's wand and continues waving Ron's wand until it breaks._ It was worth a try.

Ron AHH!!!!!!!! My wand! Look at my wand. Why did you take my wand and not yours!?

Harry Well how awful would it be snapping your wand in half?

Ron _Starts crying._

Harry Oh suck it up you big baby! We're still in the Whomping Willow! Ahh! _Dodges a tree branch._

Ron My wand! My unicorn hair wand!

Harry Oh forget about your wand! We're about to be killed!

Ron Why is it my wand that snaps! Why not Harry's or Hermione's!? It's just not fair.

Harry We're going down! Take cover! _Car falls down and Ron falls down and falls out from the window._ I told you to hold on!

Ron I don't care! My wand is destroyed!_ Car pushes Harry and his luggages out. Ron's luggage comes out all ragged and destroyed._ NOOOO!!!!!! Even my luggage gets destroyed!_ Starts crying._

Harry This is going to be a long day.

_In the castle._

Harry SWEET! We didn't get caught!

Ron My wand and luggage did.

Filch Oh really! You didn't get caught._ Harry and Ron turns around and sees Filch._

Harry and Ron AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ron Oh wait! It's only filch.

_Harry and Ron sighs in relief._

Harry Filch?

Filch Ahahahahaha!!!

Harry and Ron AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

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_Short chapter but still funny! The fifth chapter wll probably be updated in a few days. Sorry. Hoped you liked this chapter._


	5. A small talk with Snape

_ Sorry for the long wait. My birthday was yesterday(February 28.)(:! I can only write in the library. Not at home because my computer is broken. I won't be able to update much but no matter. I'm typing now. Here's your chapter._

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_ In the Punishroom._

Harry I've been here before!

Filch Who doesn't. The punishment was going to take place in the potion area.

Ron Gasp! That would be too terible!

Snape Only thing is there are too many chicken in my class because the children had spilled a potion which transformed them into chicken. _Nearby chicken comes by._ SEE!

Harry and Ron Heh heh. That's sweet.

Harry So. Who are we having this punishment with?

Snape Me.

Harry and Ron AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Snape Oh shut up! Do you now how many muggles saw our car!?

Ron We saw this girl in a cemetery.

Snape Oh shut up! Our world could have been seen by filthy muggles!

Filch He's right! Filthy muggles!

Harry GET OUT! THIS IS OUR TALK! RON, SNAPE AND ME!

Filch _Whimpers._ You're a big meanie!_ Runs away crying._

Ron How immature.

Harry Tss. You're immature!

Ron What!?

Harry That's right. You heard me right. immature!

Snape SILENCE! _Harry and Ron stops fighting._ Do you know how badly you damaged the Whomping Willow!?

Harry I think it mauled us even more than we did. Sure we smashed into it but it tried killing us!

Ron With my wand and suitcase. _Starts crying._

Harry Oh suck it up you big baby!

Ron Big baby! Well you're scarface!

Harry Oh yeah!? Well you're a pervert!

Snape Don't start it again or I'll decrease your house points.

Harry None of the houses has house points.

Snape DAMN! YOU'RE RIGHT!

Ron To hell is he's right!

Snape SILENCE! I have to say then. You 2 will be expelled from Hogwarts.

Harry WHAT! THEN I CAN'T GET GINNY AS MY GIRLFRIEND!

Ron AND I CAN'T WATCH TELETUBBIES!

_Snape and Harry stares at Ron._

Snape Oookayy.

_Dumbledore and McGonagall comes in._

Dumbledore SNAPE! What are you doing?

Snape Expelling these 2!

Dumbledore Gasp! You can't use the disarming spell on them! It's a school rule!

McGonagall I think he means he's going to kick them out of the school forever.

Dumbledore Uh. Why are you expelling them?

Snape They have been seen by muggles in a flying car!

Dumbledore So? That's not so bad.

Snape AND! Damaged the school's Whomping willow!

Dumbledore Gasp! No! Anything but the Whomping Willow! Expel them!

Ron Wha!? The Whomping Willow mauled us! It also destroyed my wand and suitcase.

Harry Don't start it again!

McGonagall Well you boys better pack your suitcase.

Harry Sigh. Okay.

Ron Fine by me.

McGonagall Because we're going to Florida!

Harry YAY! Really?

McGonagall No.

Ron Aw man. I never went to Florida.

Dumbledore Aw. Well that sucks for you!

McGonagall However! You'll be writen a note to your family and will earn a week detention.

Snape Ehhem. May I say that?

McGonagall Fine by me.

Snape  However! YOU'LL BE WRITTEN A NOTE TO YOUR FAMILY AND WILL EARN A WEEK DETENTION.

Harry Okay.

Dumbledore You're not mad or anything?

Harry Nah! I love detention. Wastes my school time.

Snape It'll be during lunch time.

Harry NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Snape Writing fan mail with Gilderoy Lockhart.

Ron NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Anybody but that madman!

Harry Oh shit! I never knew a punishment had to be work! NOOO!!!

Dumbledore Well looks like todays a living hell.

Harry No duh it is! We're being tortured!

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_ A short but funny chapter done. I'll try to update whenever I come in the library. Hope you like it more than I like reviews._


	6. Howler, Mandrakes, and this idiot

_Hello once again to my fans! I'm writing another chapter! It might be good to you and funny. Here is Chapter 6!_

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_In the Greenhouse there is yet another lesson._

Sprout Today we are going to try to take care of mandrakes! Now exactly what is a mandrake?

Malfoy A man wearing a dress!? _Starts laughing. Everybody but the trio(Since they hate him starts cracking up.)_

Sprout Close.

Harry and Malfoy HOLY SHIT! REALLY!

Harry Oh I was just having a perfect day but Malfoy getting a question right makes me damned to hell!

Sprout You do know that I was only kidding.

Hermione No duh.

Harry YES! Oh yeah! It's still going to be a perfect day!

Ron Why?

Harry Because I'll get to see Ginny in the great hall today and I have a chance to flirt with her.

Ron Eh heh. About that. Ginny won't be in the Great hall. She'll be in a club that Malfoy made up. The"Who hates Harry club?".

Harry NO!!!!! GOD DAMNED ME TO HELL FOR A DAY!

Hermione A mandrake or Mandrogora is a root that is able to made into a potion that can unpetrify people. A mandrake's cry can be fatal to anybody who hears it.

Sprout Good job Hermione! Since these Mandrakes are a baby their cry won't kill you yet but can knock you out for several hours. 5 points from Gryffindor.

Gryffindor What!? Why!?

Sprout Because the geek answered it. Duh.

Seamus NO FAIR!

Dean I concur!

Sprout Don't make me lower it even more! _Everybody is quiet. Ron sticks his middle finger up._ 50 points from Gryffindor!

Harry You remind me of Snape!

Sprout 20 points from Gryffindor!_ Everybody is quiet._ Good. Now the first thing we'll do is pull the mandrakes and I should remind you. Put your earmuffs up. Not to hard pull your mandrake up!_ Pulls Mandrake up. Mandrake starts crying out loud in a scream._

Malfoy That sort of remind me of a baby. Say Ron?

Ron Hey! That was mean! _Starts crying like a baby._

Malfoy Told you.

Sprout Shut up! I'm talking! Put your Mandrake into the pot and put some soil into it to warm it and for it to be healthy, in your free time give it a bag of sugar everyday! Sugar makes them hyper! Hahaha!

Neville Oh. I hope God takes me to Heaven._ Falls to the ground and faints._

Sprout Neville's been negleting his gloves today.

Seamus No ma'm. He just over ate his diet. _Points at Neville's mout that is filled with dirt and mandrake remainings._

Sprout Oh. Well just leave him there. Now do the same I did.

_Everyone pulls their mandrakes. Malfoy puts his finger into its mouth. The Mandrake bites him._

Malfoy Ow! You remind me of Ron!

Ron Hey!_ Starts biting Malfoy's finger._

Harry What a pervert.

_In the great hall._

Harry This is boring. Not much to eat.

Ron I know what you mean. Only 7,000 pieces of chicken.

Hermione That's a lot you ass!

Harry Pff. Yeah right. Only a guy with a camera would eat that. _Flash!_ AH! MY FRICKEN EYES! THEY BURN!

Camera dude Sorry dear potter!

Harry What the hell!? Who the hell are you?

Colin I'm Colin Creevey! I'm your #1 fan!

Ron No you're not! I am!

Colin _Takes a picture of Ron._ I'm in Gryffindor to you know!

Ron Ahh! You pervert! What was that for!?

Colin Bad luck.

Harry Eh hem. This is my conversation with Colin. Not yours so shoo!

Colin That's right. _Takes out a bottle of beer and drinks it._

Harry You're an alcoholic!?

Colin Who are you! Whatcha want. _Starts going dizzy._ You look funny. There's 10 of you.

Harry That's why I decided NOT to be an alcoholic.

Colin Well then you suck!

Harry Suck my ass.

Colin Very well. _Gets ready to suck Harry's ass._

Harry_ Punches Colin._ Dude! I didn't mean it for real! Geez you're drunk!

Colin I don't give a shit if I'm what do you call it?_ Walks away._

Harry Right.

_An owl comes out of nowhere and poops on Ron and falls to the foods. Ron takes letter._

Ron That was horrible Errol! Just Dreadful! I'd give you a troll!

Errol Well excuse me!_ Poops on Ron again and flies away._

Ron Oh no.

Harry What is it? Is Ginny here!? Oh man I hope she is!

Ron No its not that.

Seamus Look guys! Weasley's got a howler!

Ron No not that either.

Hermione Then what is it!?

Ron Mum got me a letter for an early gift that has a stamp of idiot on it.

Harry Didn't Seamus say its a howler? What's a howler?

Ron I'll show you. _Opens letter. Letter comes to life._

Mrs Weasley's voice Ronald Weasley! How dare you steal that car!? We are very happy you did! Our father is getting a promotion at work and its all your fault! If you step another toe out of line we'll bring you straight home! Oh and Ginny. Say where is she? Oh well. I don't care. Never liked her anyway._ Rips into pieces._

Hermione That was just...

Ron Sweet! I don't have to do any work or none of that crap! Oh yeah!

_In Defense Aginst Dark arts._

Gilderoy To people who doesn't know me. Lets talk a little about someone. Me.

_Girls runs up to Gilderoy asking for an autograph._

Harry What the hell?

Gilderoy Don't worry! I'll get through everybody!

_5 hours later._

Gilderoy Now that since we're done, you shall all leave. That was our lessons today!

Harry But the boys didn't do anything.

Gilderoy I don't care!

Ron We do.

Gilderoy The ultimate diss! Fine. Now you will find that you will fight the strongest creatures. yet._ Opens a cage. Pixies are in it._

Seamus Cornish Pixies!? Hahahahaha! Lol!

Harry That only works on computers.

Gilderoy Freshly caught Cornish Pixies!

Ron What's the difference?

Gilderoy Um er. They are blue. What happens if you deal with them! _Opens up a cage. Pixies flies out of it attacking everybody._

Ron Oh my god!

Neville Is this even legal!?

Hermione Yes it is!

Harry_ Smacks a pixie with a book._ You're right Hermione. IN A VIDEO GAME!

_Students smacks Pixie for a few minutes. One starts pulling Hermione's hair._

Hermione Get off me!

Harry Hold still!_ Puts his glass of soda on top of her hair._ Her little pixie! _Pixie drinks soda. Hermione gets soaked._

Hermione Oh my god!

Harry Hey! At least it got off of me._ Pixie takes Harry's glasses._ Holy shit! I'm blind! _Starts running into things._

Ron _Takes Harry's glasses and puts them on._ I'm Harry Potter!

_Pixie takes off Gilderoy's wig. Gideroy's real hair looks the exact same._

Neville Why are you wearing a wig if you have hair. _Pixies pulls him up to a chandelier._

Gilderoy It looks cool on me.

Neville I don't care anymore! Please! Someone help me now!

Harry I would if I can just see. _Runs into stuff._

Gilderoy **Peskipiski Pesternomi!**_ Pixies takes his wand and destroys a skeloton of a dinosaur with it._

Harry Hey! I feel my glasses! Give that too me!_ Takes Glasses and sees Ron._ What the hell! You were wearing my glasses!

Ron Well sorry!

Gilderoy I'll let you three nip them back into their cage._ Runs away screaming._

Hermione _Takes out her wand._ **Im-.**

Harry Hey! You used a spell here! It's my turn now! Um. What do I use._ Hermione whispers something into Harry's ears. _Oh. **Immobulus!**_ Pixies starts going to sleep in the air ._ Sweet! I did it right! Beginners luck!

Hermione you did it wrong but I guess this can do.

Neville Why is it always me?

Harry Because you're a loser!

* * *

_And yet another chapter is done. Reviews!_

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	7. Mudblood?

_Hello to my fans. Guess what!? My computer is fixed! Know what that means? I can update almost everyday! I'm so thankful! I hope you are to. Here's your chapter. Read chapter 6 again. I forgot a scene but now I added it in._

* * *

_In the quidditch tent._

Wood Okay guys. Since you are all already bad at playing quidditch we'll practice for 1 seconds everyday.

Harry WHA!!!!!!!

George Dude! What are you doing! This is good.

Harry 1 second! That is so-

Fred MUCH!

Harry little! do 1 milisecond!

Wood You know what! Just cause of that! You will practice longer and harder!

Gryffindor team NO!!!

_In the grounds._

Wood Got it people! Chaser take- I don't believe this.

Chasers WHAT!?

_Slytherin team comes in._

Wood What the hell are you doing her Flint. We marked our practice here.

Flint Hold on, Wood! I have a note. _Takes out a note._

George Oh! I'm so scared.

Ron Uh oh. I smell poop._ Joins into the conversation._

Wood_ Takes note._ The people I am in love with is Draco, Harry-

Flint The other side.

Wood I Proffesor Snape-Ahh!_ Drops letter._ This is from Snape! Here's my glove then._ Puts on gloves._ I Proffesor Snape is wanting your team to lose so I marked the Slytherin Team in the grounds. Oh by the way. 2 things. One. Hope you have a good luck in your match.

Harry Oh no! He cursed our game! This is bad.

Wood Second. I ran out of ink. Read next note.

Flint _Hands Wood another note._ Read it. Now!

Wood A new seeker is on .. darn this quill! A new seeker is on the Slytherin's team. Yay Slytherin! _Notes over._ You have a new seeker. Who?

_Slytherin team steps aside._

Harry Holy shit! It's Goyle!

_Goyle steps aside and there stood Malfoy._

Harry  Even worse! It's Malfoy! NO! God! Why do you critisize me! Why me!

Ron It's me too you know.

Malfoy Oh shut up! Got a problem if I'm on the Slytherin Quidditch team!?

Harry Uh yah. Big time.

Ron Oh my god! Where did you get those! _Points at a black broom._

Flint A gift God made for us. Kidding! A gift from Draco's father.

Malfoy You see. My father can afford the best. Unlike you guys.

Hermione Well at least Gryffindor didn't have to buy their way in. They well. Um. Got pure talent!?_ Smiles nervously._

Malfoy No one asked for your opinion. You filthy mudblood.

_Crowd gasps._

Harry Hey! That's a cool word! Mudblood. Mudblood. Mudblood. Mudblood. Even a tongue twister!

_Crowd gasps even more._

Harry Was it something I said!?

Ron You'll pay for that one Malfoy.**Eat Slugs!**_ Spell backfires and hits Ron. Ron starts barfing slugs._

Harry Oh! That's cool.

Colin Wow! Can I take a picture of that!?

Harry Oh yeah! Sure.

_Flash! Shows a picture of Ron barfing slugs and waving his hand at the same time. Flash! Shows a picture of Ron eating a slug._

Hermione Stop Colin! You can do that later! Lets bring him to Hagrids!

Harry Oh man!

_In Hagrid's hut._

Hermione Hagrid. We have an issue.

Harry We do!?

Hermione Why am I the only smart one? JK. You should have made Harry smart or even Ron smart.

Hagrid What's the damn problem!?

Hermione Ron's barfing slugs.

Hagrid That's no biggie! It's completely normal! Everybody does that.

Harry Then how come we don't?

Hagrid Because you're mudbloods.

Hermione_ Starts crying._

Hagrid Was it something I said?

Harry You said mudblood. What does it mean?

Hagrid Oh. Well they're people who were born by muggle family. Why do you have to know?

Hermione Because Malfoy called me a mudblood.

Hagrid There's a good boy. That's the right thing to say! You see he is a wonderful pure blood.Aka-A person who was born from parents that weren't muggles. You two however. Are filthy mudblood.

Harry That hurts.

Ron_ Barfs slugs._ Strawberry flavor.

Harry So what do we do now?

Hagrid Ever heard of Joe Zombie?

Hermione No.

Harry Hell yeah!

* * *

_And the story shall go on. Mwahahahahahahahaha! Sorry about that._


	8. I didn't do it! Maybe I did

_Here is another funny chapter. To everybody reading this. GIVE ME REVIEWS! Please. I wanna know how my story is! Here it is!_

* * *

_In the Defense Against the Dark Arts room._

Harry Well. This sure sucks.

Gilderoy Say what! Writing letters to fan mails is awesome.

Harry To you it is.

Gilderoy Oh just shut up and help me write my fan mails!

Harry You don't even read your fan mails. We just write "Gilderoy Lockhart loved your mail so much so go to hell!" One of the fan mail said that they hate your books.

Gilderoy Oh really! Then throw it in the fireplace.

Harry Ehh. _Throws letter in a nearby fireplace._

Mystery voice Come to me! Come to me! Bring your yummy butterbeer while I'm killing you!

Harry What!? Proffesor, I'd be okay if you kill me but the butterbeer! Hell no!

Gilderoy You brought a butterbeer here!

Harry_ Hides butterbeer._ Err no. What makes you think that.

Mystery voice Come to me you idiot! You know eating human to me is like eating a teaspoon of sugar!

Harry You eat Humans?

Gilderoy Yes I mean N-n-no! What makes you think that!? Well look at time! We've nearly been here for four hours now! Spooky how time goes by?

Harry What do you want me to say?

Gilderoy Oh shut up and run along!

_In the hall._

Harry Glad my punishment is finally over.

Mystery Voice Ahh! But that's where you're wrong.

Harry _Moans._ Proffesor Lockhart, you promised me the punishment is now over!

Mystery Voice Hey I'm right here!_ Harry turns around._ Right behind you!_ Harry turns around._

Harry Stop toying with me! _Sees Hermione and Ron._

Hermione Harry! Where were you!

Mystery Voice Let me rip you! Well now I'm off to petrify an Organism! Buh bye!

Harry Did you hear a voice.

Hermione No.

Ron Yes!_ Harry and Hermione looks at him._

Harry You're not supposed to. I'm the hero!

Ron Oh yeah. Well in that case! No.

Harry Good. I mean, that's just crazy.

Hermione Holy shit!

Ron What?

_Trio sees Ms Norris on a torch frozened or in a better way to say it, stupified(It's a real word!)and petrified. Ron screams like a girl._

Harry What does that say? T-t-t-the C-c

Hermione The Chamber of Secrets is now opened. Enemies of the Heir beware. It's written in blood.

Ron No way! It must be paint or Ketchup! Watch._ Licks wall._ You know. It awfully tastes like blood flavor in Bertie Bott,s Every Flavor Beans. Holy crap! It is blood!

Harry No duh Sherlock. _Mob of students comes out of no where._

Malfoy Enemies of the Heir beware. You'll be next mudbloods.

Harry Who taught you how to read?

Filch Out of my fricken way! out of the way._ Sees Petrified Ms Norris on the torch._ M-m-mrs Norris?

Hermione Um. Proffesor Filch, Mrs in our world constantly means a married woman. Is Mrs Norris married?

Filch  shut up! _Looks at Harry._ You murdered my cat._Threatens Harry._ I'll kill you. I'll kill ya!

Dumbledore Filch! What are you doing?

Filch He killed my cat!

Dumbledore Oh Filch! That is so old! I'm not falling for that one again. I've been tricked 273 times from that.

Filch Look at my cat! _Points at Ms Norris._

Dumbledore Oh my god! Harry! Have you found my butterbeers lately? I had 50 of them but now they're all gone.

Harry _Hides butterbeer._ Um no Proffesor! Not at all.

Dumbledore Oh, shame.

Filch That boy who is named after Clay pottery has killed my cat!

Harry Dude! Calm down! I did nothing!

Filch Prove it!

Harry I was doing detention with Proffesor Lockhart with his fanmail. Then I heard a noise, found my friends, and here I am.

Dumbledore Er. May you all leave. Except you three.

Malfoy Look! Goyle, Crabbe, and I did nothing!

McGonagall Oh not you! The trio!

Dumbledore Actually I meant them but I guess that can do.

_Everybody walks away except Harry, Ron, and Hermione._

Filch I know he had done it! You wrote it 8 minutes ago!

Harry Hey! I can write one letter in 1 hour! That's fast!

Hermione No it isn't.

Harry Oh shut up!

Ron Look who's going crazy!

Filch Why can't you admit you killed my cat! I'll be rich if you do!

Harry No way. I'm supposed to get the fame here. You just clean this place up!

Dumbledore Your cat had not been killed but petrified.

McGonagall By what?

Harry I dunno? A greek monster called a basalisk?

McGonagall Hahaha! You are just so funny.

Harry Look! Proffesor! I swear I didn't do it. Well maybe I did but I don't know if I did.

Snape You know, perhaps Potter has been here in the wrong time.

Ron Holy shit! Did Snape just help us!

Snape But where were you in dinner.

Harry What does that have to do with anything?

Snape Tell me!

Harry Yo! Dude! I've been having detention with Proffesor Lockhart!

Lockhart He's right you know!

Ron We were trying to look for him.

Hermione We saw him saying...

Harry Saying that I stole all 50 butterbeers from Dumbledore's office.

Dumbledore What! It was you! How did you know the password.

Harry You kept on blabbing Lemon Shebert is the password to my office!

Ron Yeah!

Filch Oh just say he's guilty!

Harry But that makes the story boring if the mystery of who petrified Mrs Norris is already over unsolved.

Filch I don't give a shit!

Dumbledore Innocent until proven guilty.

Harry That's right!

* * *

_Who is guilty! Harry or someone!? If you wanna find out(which you already know.) who is. Give me reviews!_


	9. A small History of the Chamber of Secret

_A another chapter is updated! I hope you like this one!_

* * *

_In transfiguration class._

Harry I can't believe all the blame is on me for this petrifing thing.

Ron Oh cheer up Harry! At least the hall's traffic will have more room because of you.

Harry Hey you're right!

McGonagall Quiet! Now we will transfigure animals into goblets! All you need is a simple flick and say **Fera Ferto.**(In latin F is V and V is U.) Watch. 1-2-3, **Fera Ferto.**_ Bird turns into a glass goblet._

Ron That looks so hard.

McGonagall Ah! Weasley! Why don't you do it?

Ron Oh shit. Um. **Iamsodead!**

_Everybody laughs._

Hermione It's **Fera Ferto you blasted idiot!**

Ron Well sorry! **Fera Verto!**_ Scabber turns into a hairy goblet with a tail sticking out._

Harry I am so not drinking out of that goblet!

Hermione Proffesor? I wonder if you can tell us about the Chamber of Secrets?

McGonagall ...very well then. Lets start to the beginning. As you know the four greatest wizards who were the first to Hogwarts were Helga Hufflepuff, Rowena Ravenclaw, Gordric Gryffindor, and Salazar Slytherin.

Malfoy The Rowena sounds like Weener.

McGonagall A Pure bloods as we recall a wizard born from a wizard family was Salazar Slytherin who did not want to be working with the 3 other wizards so he was as we call it the Heir of Slytherin. The Slytherins made a home that is called the Chamber of Secrets.

Hermione Is there anything in the Chamber of Secrets?

McGongall There is a monster. We have been checking Hogwart for years and no Chamber was found.

_Malfoy looks at the trio._

_In the hall._

Ron So is it true? Is the Chamber of Secrets really here?

Hermione Yes! Did you see how serious Proffesor McGonagall was?

Harry No. She was smiling and laughing. So what about the Chamber of Secrets and this monster.

Hermione You can die or be petrified like Ms Norris.

Harry Oh shit! I am so dead!

Ron Damn straight you are.

Hermione Didn't she say something about the Heir of Slytherin?

Ron and Harry I don't know. I only listened everything until I went to sleep.

Ron Okay. If there was which there isn't who do we know who is a pure blood and hates-

Hermione If you're talking about Malfoy-

Ron No I wasn't! It was Harry!

Harry What the hell! I'm not even a pureblood!

Ron Oh right.

Hermione The only way to figure out if Malfoy is the Heir or not is to get Goyle or Crabbe to tell us!

Ron How?

Hermione Er...

Harry OH MY GOD! OUR GEEK DOESN'T KNOW!

Hermione Maybe we should go to the library.

Harry and Ron NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_In the Library._

Harry T-t-t-the P-p-p-p-polyj-j-juice p-p-p-poti-i-i-ion-

Hermione Harry! You found it! The Polyjuice Potion can turn you into someone else for a mere one hour!

Ron Malfoy can tell us anything! Even his girlfriend and how his nuts looks like, and-

Hermione Don't get to carried away. This is an extremely hard potion to make.

Harry We can wait . So how long does it take? An hour? 5 minutes?

Hermione A month.

Harry What the hell! A MONTH!?

* * *

_A month...wow this potion must be hard to make. Give me reviews! I'd like some!_


	10. Stupid Bludger broke my arm!

_Once again another LONGER chapter is updated. I hope you like it as much as I like it. After you're done reading give me some reviews please._

* * *

_In a Quidditch match._

Harry Hey girls! Get the good side of me! Great camera Susan, nice braces Mike! Hey Ginny! Take a picture of me!

Ginny What a pervert.

Harry Come on ladies! Pictures? video tape me!

Girls and Neville Good idea!

Harry Er Neville? Why are you taking a picture of me? Are you a girl?

Neville Maybe.

Wood_ Zooms next to Harry._ Stop flirting with girls you!

Harry I'm not flirting with them! They're flirting with me!

Wood I don't care just stop or-_Bludger hits wood's broom and falls down._

Harry Holy shit! A bludger killed Wood! _Zooms away. Does a balarina move._

Malfoy practicing for the ballet, Scarface?

Harry Hey! Who told you? I mean haha very funny._ Sees snitch next to Malfoy and zooms after the snitch. Malfoy follows. Bludger follows Harry._

_They are chasing after the snitch until the bludger makes a hole in the stand. Harry and Malfoy goes into the hole and is inside the stands chasing after the snitch._

Malfoy Chasing after me ehh?

Harry Damn straight I'm chasing after you! _Does a twirl to dodge a wooden pole._

Malfoy Not bad. Try doing a flip now.

Harry Don't start toying with me. _Bludger hits pole. Wood chips falls on Harry._ What the hell!

Malfoy Haha!_ Smacks his head on a wooden bar._

Harry That must hurt. Look at the birds going around his heads. _Points at a ring of birds orbiting around it._

Malfoy Get off me you bastards! You'll never catch me Potter!_ Harry is an inch further than Malfoy._ Okay. Maybe you can.

_Tries kicking Malfoy off his broom. Malfoy does the same. Bludger follows Harry. Harry zooms out of the stands and Malfoy trips on a pole and lands on his nuts._

Harry Just a little further! Reaches out for the snitch. _Bludger smacks Harry's hand._ OW! WHAT THE HELL! _Reaches out for the snitch with the other hand and captures the snitch and falls down at the same time._

Hermione Oh my god he caught the snitch!

Harry Take a picture of this ladies and do it quick! A bludgers about to hit me.

_Bludger almost hits Harry but misses. Hermione, Ron, and Hagrid comes in._

Ron Harry! Do something!

Harry I would if I had my wand you pervert! _Dodges bludger._

Hermione **Finite Incartatem! **_Bludger blows up._ Harry, are you okay?

Harry Okay? OKAY!? Hermione, I got hit by a bludger is thet okay!?

Hermione Okay okay. Geez. I was only asking.

Gilderoy Don't worry, Harry! I can mend that arm before you can say hi.

Harry Hi.

Giledroy Okay. Maybe I can't. **Brakium Emendo!**

Harry ...what now?

Gilderoy _Trists Harry's arm._ Well since I did a good job you can no longer feel the pain in your bones.

Hagrid Bones? There's no bones left!

Harry Cool! Now I'll know how it feels having no bones!

Ron You have drink juice that tastes horrible and have to see a house elf.

Harry Say wha?

_In the hospital wing._

Malfoy Ow. It hurts so badly.

Pompfrry Oh shut up Draco! You can go now!

Harry Can I?

Pompfry Absoloutly not!

Harry Aw man! _Colin comes in._ Oh shit!

Colin Hi Harry! Can I take a picture of your arm? Actually, can I have your arm!

Harry Er. No. I'm sort of going to need it.

Colin Aw well. Well now I'm going to be off being petrified like Ms Norris!

Harry Good luck with that! _Madam Pompfry gives Harry a drink. Harry spits it out._ WHAT'S IN THIS JUICE!?

Pompfry What did you expect? Pumpkin juice?

Harry Sort of.

_Night time._

Harry The arm feels so good! Aw. It feels so good. Uh oh. I got to go to the bathroom. I hope Madam Pompfry doesn't mind if I pee in her bed.

Mystery Voice She will. Oh she will! I'm off petrifying Colin now!

Harry Good luck with that.

Mystery Voice Thanks. Hey that's not right!

Harry Am I talking to myself?

Dobby Of course not!

Harry Holy crap! Where did you come from?

Dobby Dobby took the toilet.

Harry Aw sick man! That's so not right!

Dobby Harry Potter, Dobby wonders how you get here.

Harry I sort of took a flying car.

Dobby Oh man. The wall didn't work.

Harry You're the one that wall!

Dobby Very sorry Potter!

Harry Oh blah. Wall Small. I don't care! In the third book I take a-

Dobby Don't talk about that now Harry Potter! How did Harry end up here?

Harry Bludger. That damn bludger wasn't careful enough!

Dobby Uh oh. Dobby sort of made that bludger go after you. Dobby had to iron his hands. _Shows Dobby's ironed hand._

Harry You made that bludger after me!

Dobby I only want Harry Potter to be safe.

Harry If you care about me that much you should cry.

Dobby _Dobby starts crying all over his ragged clothings._ Harry happy now?

Harry Why do you wear that?

Dobby This? This is the house elf mark. Dobby can only be free if given clothes.

Harry Why?

Dobby Dobby don't make the rules. Dobby just follows them.

Harry Be bad once in a while.

Dobby Someone's coming! _Vanishes._

Harry Oh how does he do that?

_Dumbledore, McGonagall, and Madam Pompfry comes in._

McGonagall This is bad. Very bad.

Dumbledore I know. My pet dog Bobo passed away today.

Harry _Pretends to be asleep._ Oh blah. No one cares about you're stupid dog!

Pompfry There was another attack.

Harry Oh I hope it's Malfoy!

Dumbledore Colin. His camera flashes was getting annoying.

Harry Yeah. I guess they were.

McGonagall What does this mean?

Dumbledore _Opens camera. Camera explodes._ It means Hogwarts is no longer safe and Colin's camera is broken.

Harry Does that mean I don't have to learn anymore?

* * *

_And the petrifying still continues. Dan dan dan. Please give me lovely reviews._


	11. Dueling Club

_Hello my fans! Read this story and crack up! No seriously please read it and then give me lovely reviews._

* * *

_In the dueling arena._

Harry Um. Proffesor Lockhart, why are we here?

Gilderoy I've decided to make a dueling club!

Ron Hope you get a lot of people in your club!

Gilderoy I already did.

Ron Who did you get?

Gilderoy All of you!

Harry No! Anyone but him! Well maybe Malfoy to.

Snape When do we start?

Gilderoy Now. _Throws his jacket to Angeline. _First you bow. Then you walk away. 1-2-3.

Snape **Expeliarmus! **_Gilderoy goes flying._

Harry That is hysterical!

Hermione Is he okay?

Ron Who cares!

Girls We do!

Harry and Ron Oh right.

Gilderoy You know that was way to simple that I thought to not to block it. The...

Snape Disarming charm? It's quite simple yes.

Gilderoy Way too simple!

Snape If you think it's so simple lets teach it to some students.

Gilderoy Right. Harry and Ron! Get up!

Snape Ron's wand causes devistation. One hit and Harry will end up in the Hospital Wing.

Ron Hey! That was mean!

Snape Why not pick someone in my house? Say Malfoy? _Malfoy gets up._

Gilderoy Fine. Wands up!

Malfoy Scared Potter?

Harry Damn straight I'm hell of a man scared!

Gilderoy Bow! Back. Now in the count of three I want you to disarm only disarm! 1-2-

Malfoy **Everte Statem! **_Harry goes flying and does a flip. Slytherin's laugh._

Harry Well that's sure not fair.**Rictusempra!** _Malfoy goes flying doing a balarena twirl(Is that the move?) and lands on his nuts._

Snape Oh get up!

Gilderoy I said disarm only!

Malfoy **Serpensortia! **_Black snake appears._

Harry **Expel-** _Looks at snake._ Hasasieth. (Hey cool snake!)

Snake Sss. Slither slither.(Hi Harry Potter. I'm going to eat this guy now!) _Points at Justin with his tail._

Gilderoy Don't worry Potter I'll get rid of it! **Alarte Ascendare! **_Snake flies to the air and just gets madder._

Harry Pff. That was helpful. Heithesieth? Siyoutheyseeseith. (Why Justin? You can be eating other people besides average ones.)

Snake Slither Slither!? Wiggle! (Like who? Is there a pervert flavor here?)

Harry Soseth! Sethroos! (Oh yeah! There's Ron!)

Snake Sss. Slither. Wiggle Wiggle.(Oh wait. I jut remembered now. I'm on a diet so I can't eat perverts.)

Harry Soselsss. soysecodsay! (Oh shame. Try a geek flavor like Hermione!

Snake Sss. Drool. Sss. (Can't. I'm not allowed to eat nerds. My mom says it's against the law.)

Harry Sashaseith? Saheth? (How about a greenthumb? Is that allowed?)

Snake Sss. Slither. (No. I'm a meatertarian.)

Harry So. Sashasith. (Oh. I feel bad.)

Snape **Evanesca.**_ Snake disapeers._

Justin What are you playing at?

_Trio leaves dueling club._

Ron Why didn't tell us?

Harry Tell you guys what? If Malfoy told you I take ballet it's a lie.

Ron Hey thanks for telling us!

Harry Doh!

Hermione Why didn't you tell us you're a parseltongue?

Harry Partner thongs? What the hell is that?

Ron You can talk to snakes!

Harry Isn't that very nice. I did talk to a snake in London once. But only once.

Hermione It's not normal for someone to talk to snakes.

Ron It isn't! Uh oh. I better free Cluster.

Harry Cluster?

Ron Um err. Yeah! My dressing cluster!

Harry Why does it even matter at all?

Hermione It's very bad Harry.

Ron People will now think you're Salazar's your great great great great great great (10 minutes later.) great grandfather!

Harry That is so cool!

* * *

_Heh heh. Quite funny what I wrote ehh? I hope you liked it. As I always say please give me some reviews. I sure love them._


	12. Harry murdered a phoenix!

_Once again to the people who likes reading my stories. I hope you enjoy this chapter. I'm trying to make the chapter as long as ever so that you people can have more laughes. I hope you like this chapter._

* * *

_In a lesson the trio are doing some work. Boring work._

Harry _Sees everybody staring at him._ You all hate me that much!? Fine then, I'll leave!

Ron Thanks Harry for going away!

Hermione Now I won't have people cheating off my paper! _Ron tries to cheat off Hermione. Hermione smacks Ron in the face. _Almost no one.

Harry I hope you're happy. Bye people who hates me! _Walks away._

_In the Great hall._

Harry That is so not fair. I got to leave because people were staring at me. I hate it that they found my ultimate weakness! No one has! _Sees Nicolas Flamel and Justin petrified._ Why am I the one always seen in the petrifying scene!?

Filch Oh someone is smelly! Very smelly.

Harry Holy crap! Where did you come from? Nevermind that, I took a shower 4 days ago!

Filch Well I smell the dignity of guilt.

Harry Gasp! Who? Is it Snape? I always knew he was trying to kill Dumbledore!

Filch No. It's you. I'm getting the Proffesor now.

Harry Okay then. Let the Proffesor put me in detention. If its with Snape he tries to give me death potion but overall we try killing each other. It's kinda fun. If it's with Gilderoy I guess writing 1,598 fan mails is fine. So who am I having it with?

Filch Albus Estupido Pervertes Dumbledore.

Harry NO!! Anybody but him! He reads Sexy Boys magazines!

Filch Mwahaha! _Walks away._

Harry Why am I always in the scene of the crime. Wait a minute! If I'm in the scene of the crime I'll be famous in the murder daily prophets! I'll be the new Voldemort.

Random dude in Hell Yo! Haven't you read the books? Don't say that!

Harry Oh to hell with the books!

McGonagall Harry Potter! Why have you said You-know-who!?

Harry Crud-or-Poo?

McGonagall Did I here you say hell?

Harry Doesn't everybody say it?

McGonagall ...maybe.

Harry Haven't you noticed that a ghost and Justin have just been petrified?

McGonagall Huh? Where are they?

Harry In front of you idiot.

McGonagall Gasp! Harry did you do this?

Harry I could've in my sleeps.

McGonagall This is out of my hands.

_Harry and Proffesor McGonagall are in front of a statue of Gargoyle._

McGonagall Sherbet Lemon. Get inside Potter.

Harry So what do I do now?

McGonagall Take a left go up and take a right.

Harry Oh shit I'm about to be in Dumbledore's office. I hope he bought some more butterbeer. I love them so badly that I'd be swiming in it.

_In Dumbledore's office._

Harry It's kinda plain here. Ohh what's that thing. _Points at something that we can't know yet until book 4. The Pensieve._

Pensieve Out of order.

Harry Well that sucks. Hey look! The Stupid bat! _Points at the Sorting hat._

Sorting Hat For your information I'm the Sorting Hat!

Harry I think you put me in the wrong house. I should have been in the Slytherins.

Sorting Hat Well you did say Not Gryffindor. You possesed many Slytherin things but Gryffindor was good for you.

Harry Why?

Sorting Hat Because JK Rowling made you in that house so deal with it!

Harry Well I'm the heir of Slytherin you know. _Goes to a phoenix._ You're a beauty aren't you? Yes you are! Yes you-_Phoenix bursts into flame._ are. OH SHIT! I KILLED AN INNOCENT BIRD!

Dumbledore _Comes out of nowhere._ Time to feed Fawkes his Phoenix Beans. _Sees Fawkes has been burned into flames._ F-f-f.

Harry I swear! I had nothing to do with this! None at all!

Dumbledore You killed an innocent bird. How could you.

Harry I had absoloutly nothing to do with this! Just please don't make me do the Hokey Pokey.

Dumbledore For killing my bird you will have to do the Hokey Pokey!

Harry NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!_ Does the hokey Pokey 20 times._

Dumbledore Heh heh. Hahahahahaha! Don't you know you have been badly convinced that Fawkes died? Hahahahaha!

Harry Wait a minute! This was all a prank? That is so unfair!

Dumbledore Yeah that's about it. You see Phoenix dies by bursting into flames. After that they are reborned from there ashes. _Looks at Mini Phoenix in the ashes._ Marvoulous creatures aren't they?

Harry It looks like a naked pigion. Eh that's no matter. What matters is that I did the Hokey Pokey 20 times! I first was blamed for this whole Heir of Slytherin crap and then I was brewing Poly-

Dumbledore Is there something you want to tell me before you leave?

Harry ...yeah. Do you have any butterbeer today?

Dumbledore Nope. Forgot to get in Hogsmeade today.

Harry What the hell!? How did you fricken forget!?

Dumbledore Well sorry!

Harry You should be.

Dumbledore Good night.

Harry Bad night.

* * *

_Before I go away one thing. Please give me some reviews. Thank you to all the people who read this._


	13. Polyjuice Potion

_I know I forgot a scene in The Dueling Club. I forgot to put the part where they brew the potion so I'll try to somehow make it in this. Here is your chapter._

* * *

_In the Great Hall._

Harry Well, I hope the Polyjuice Potion is ready.

Ron I can't believe it's in the girl's bathroom. It's so embarrassing.

Harry Well at least girls didn't see us in the girl's bathroom.

Ron I thought they did.

_Flashback in the Girl's Bathroom._

Harry Why are we brewing the potion here?

Hermione Because I'm a girl and no one even comes here.

Neville _Flushes toilet._ There's nothing better than being in the Girl's bathroom. Too bad no girls comes here. _Sees the trio._ W-what!? H-h-huh? AHHHH!!!!!!!!

Harry Neville? What are you doing in the girls bathroom?

Neville What are you?

Ron Brewing a potion.

Neville W-w-ah!!! _Runs away._

Ron Why doesn't anyone except Neville come here?

Hermione Because of Moaning Myrtle.

Harry Groaning Idiot? Who's he?

Myrtle It's Moaning Myrtle to you!

Hermione Say hi. Now!

Ron and Harry Why?

Myrtle You forgot to say hi! You're mean! _Starts crying._

Harry Oh shut up and let Hermione concentrate on the potion!

Myrtle You boys thinks you're so great! _Hovers to a toilet._

Hermione She's a little sensitive.

Harry Wow. We so didn't know.

_Flashback ends._

Harry Well Neville isn't a girl! He's just...gay.

Ron How about Stoning Mud? She's a girl in the bathroom!

Harry She's a ghost that haunts the bathroom.

Ron How about Hermione?

Harry She's supposed to be there! She brews the potion!

Ron Oh right! I completely forgot.

Hermione_ Sits with Harry and Ron. _The potion is all done. We just need a little of what you're turning into.

Harry Don't you know? Crabbe and Goyle.

Hermione Yes but we also need to have there DNA. _Takes out two cupcakes._

Ron Ooh! Chocolate sugar cinnomin Cupcakes, my favorite!

Hermione Wait! Don't eat it! I put sleeping drought in it!

Ron Gasp! You tried into mortal sleep! How dare you!

Harry She wasn't giving it too you, idiot.

Ron Hey. Don't be so mean.

Hermione Give this to Goyle and Crabbe and let them eat it.

Harry Sounds easy enough.

Hermione And we have to make sure they're not here while we're them.

Harry Sounds hard enough.

Ron Who are you turning into?

Hermione Millicent Bulstrode. Stashed it off her robes.

Harry Uh huh. Well Ron and I will be off!

_In the hall._

Harry Okay. The cupcakes are set. JK Rowling makes Goyle and Crabbe come out of nowhere we're set.

Ron Good. **Wing-**

Harry I think I should do it, Ron. Just so that the cupcakes don't blow up.

Ron B-b-but I want to do something! I barely cast a spell in this book!

Harry Oh suck it up you big baby. **Wingadiam Leviosa! **_Cupcakes levitate to the air. Goyle and Crabbe comes in._

Crabbe Cool!

Goyle I didn't see levitating cupcakes in the menu! _Eats cupcakes. 2 seconds they go to sleep._

Ron How thick can they get?

Harry Lets stash them in the Broom cupboard.

_In the Girl's bathroom._

Hermione So now that potions ready we can drink it. Where did you put Crabbe and Goyle?

Harry Um.

_Back in the broom cupboard._

Goyle Let us out! Someone!

Crabbe I have to do diahrea!

_Back in the girls bathroom._

Harry Lets just say they won't be around.

Hermione  Perfect. Here. _Hands Harry and Ron a cup of polyjuice potion._

Ron You gave us mud.

Hermione Oh shut up and drink it!

_Trio drinks potion._

Ron I feel sick. _Runs away._

Hermione Me too! _Runs away._

Harry Hmm. It tastes like Lemonade. Mmm. Hey I have an awful feeling I feel bumps everywhere. _Looks at a mirror._ Oh my god! I'm getting wrinkles! Hey I'm Goyle!

_Ron as Crabbe comes out._

Ron Holy Shit! Goyle! What are you doing here! _Beats up Goyle who is Harry._ Where did you put Harry!?

Harry What the hell!? I'm Harry!

Ron Likely answer! _Looks at a mirror._ Hey! Crabbe what are you doing here? Where's Ron? Wait a minute. I'm Ron!

Harry No duh you are. We took a potion!

Ron Oh right.

Harry Come out Hermione. Lets go!

Hermione I-I-I don't think i'm going!

Harry Hermione? Are you all right?

Hermione Just go! You're wasting time!

Ron Come on! If Hermione doesn't want to go then fine!

_In the hall Ron and Harry finds Percy._

Ron Hi big bro!

Percy Excuse me? Big bro?

Ron Don't you know who I am? I'm R- _Harry covers Ron's mouth._

Harry He's Retarted Crabbe. Where's the Slytherin Common Room?

Percy Oh come on! You've been here for 2 years! I gave you a map. Where did you put it?

Harry Um. Well-

Malfoy Crabbe! Goyle! What are you doing here?

Ron Talking to my-

Harry _Covers Ron's mouth._ death person on my list!

Malfoy You know you can't yell at them you filthy Weasley.

Percy Mind your attitude, Malfoy.

Malfoy Why are you wearing glasses?

Harry Um. Well. _Takes off glasses._

Ron You see we're Ron and Harry.

Harry Nice going Ron I mean Crabbe.

Malfoy Lets just go!

_In the Slytherin's Common Room._

Malfoy Well sit down! You know, why were you wandering down the hall? Where's the stink pellets?

Harry Stink pellets? What for?

Malfoy To throw at Harry, Ron, and that filthy mudblood Hermione.

Ron Hey! That was extremely mean!

Harry We mean don't we talk about the people who embarrasses the wizarding world.

Malfoy Oh right! Lets talk about the Weasleys! You know they're an embarrassment to the Wizarding World. Even that guy that works in the Ministry of Magic.

Ron Yeah. I know. My dad doesn't take work too seriously. He got nine fricken raids.

Malfoy Your dad? What do you mean your dad?

Harry He means Dumd dad!

Malfoy That won't make sense in the sentence though.

Ron Oh shut up and tell us who the Heir of Slytherin is!

Malfoy You idiot! You know I don't know. How many times do I have to tell you? This is the 78,963 time I told you! All I know is that a mudblood died. Hope it's Hermione.

Ron Hey! That's not nice!

Harry Um Crabbe has a crush on her.

Malfoy Who the hell cares! You know I think the worst Wizard who lived was Dumb Dumbledore. Favorite of that stupid Harry Potter.

Harry You're wrong! Dumbledore might be dumb but he isn't...a girl.

Malfoy I never said he was a girl! Do you anyone worser than Dumbledore? Do you!?

Harry Harry Potter?

Malfoy ...good one, Goyle. You're absoloutly right! Oh how I despise that Potter. And people thinks he's the heir of Slytherin! They make me laugh. _Takes a small box._ This yours?

Ron Hey! My lipstick is inside! _Harry and Malfoy stares at Ron._ Um. No.

Harry _Sees Ron's hair._ Your hair. Red.

Ron Scar.

_Harry and Ron starts getting ready to run._

Malfoy What's the matter with you two? You're acting odd!

Harry The stomechache!_ Runs away._

Malfoy They always do that!

_In the girl's bathroom._

Harry Hermione we have loads to tell you!

Myrtle You won't believe how she looks. _Starts laughing._

Ron Hermione? _Opens door._ Oh my god! You're a cat! No wonder you didn't come!

Hermione Actually I can deal with the cat. Only thing is that I forgot to put on the Slytherin's robe.

Harry Wow. How stupid. Even we remembered to put it on.

* * *

_Pant pant. I finally finished the longest chapter ever! Gasp! I hope you like it because if you do, it is worth typing this long chapter that hurts my hands. Please give me reviews._


	14. Dear Tom Riddle

_May I present to you the chapter! Dear Tom Riddle! Hope you like it as much as I do. By the way, give me reviews after you're done reading this._

* * *

_In the stairs that always change._

Harry Well we should send her a card.

Ron What for? She'll be gone in 2 minutes!

Harry She'll be out of the Hospital Wing in 1 week.

Ron Oh. Well I hate writing.

Harry You know the reason why water is here? Right?

Ron Um. Not really. It is coming from the girl's bathroom. Let's go! _Gets ready to go to the girl's bathroom._

Harry Whoa whoa whoa! We can't go!

Ron Why not? We're boys!

Harry Exactly! We have to be girls!

Ron B-b-but we can't! We break the rules!

Harry Oh right.

_In the Girl's bathroom. The sink is flooding with water._

Harry Well that answers everything! It's the sink. Okay, lets go!

Myrtle _Cries._ Come to throw something at me?

Harry Why would we throw something at you? If a baseball had hit you in the head well um...Ron did it!

Ron WHAT!? What have I done?

Myrtle So that was the big splash in the toilet. Well a book was thrown at me.

Ron But you're a ghost! It should go right through you.

Myrtle Oh sure! Lets all throw books at Myrtle because she can't feel it! 10 points if you get it to her stomech! _Punches Ron in the stomech._ 50 points if you get it through her head! _Punches Ron in the head._

Ron Ooh! Can I play? I call Harry in my team! It's the only way to be fair.

Harry You retard. She was being sarcastic.

Ron She was?

Myrtle Couldn't you tell? Why are boys so idiotic all the time? I mean really!

Harry Hey! We are not weird!

Ron Yes we are!

Harry You just called yourself weird!

Ron Likely story! I'm a girl! Of course I didn't!

Myrtle No wonder why he's so annoyed all the time.

Harry Where's the book?

Myrtle I think it's in that toilet over there.

Ron_ Goes to a toilet and picks up a diary._ Here Harry.

Harry EWW! I am so not touching that book!

Ron Well I'm not keeping it! It's haunted!

Harry But you fetched it in the toilet so it's yours!

Ron Well it's a present to you!

_Awkward pause._

Harry and Ron Eenie Meeni Miney Mo. Catch me by the toe. If you halla let me go, my mother picks this very best one! _Harry is chosen_

Ron It's all on you now!

Harry Well that sure wasn't fair at all.

_In this room._

Harry Okay lets see what Hermione taught me. T-T-Tom R-R-Riddle. Tom Riddle! That wasn't so hard. _Opens book._ Lets see! **_Dear Tom Riddle /_** **_I am Harry Potter. My best friend is Ron and Hermione. You won't guess what Ron said! He said he was a girl and he wanted to be in the girl's bathroom! Hermione is like-_**

Diary**_ Hello Harry Potter. I am Volde- I mean Tom Riddle._**

Harry Holy shit! The diary just spoke to me! **_Hello Tom Riddle. Why did you interupt what I was saying?_**

Tom **_Very sorry. I won't do that again._**

Harry **_Good. You know. People thinks I'm the Heir of Slytherin. I know I'm not but if I pretend I am I can boss people around and clear the hallway traffic. It's so awesome!_**

Tom **_You shouldn't really do that._**

Harry**_ Who said? JK Rowling? You can't boss me around!_**

Tom **_Do you even know about the Chamber of Secrets._**

Harry**_ Do you?_**

Tom **_Yes._**

Harry **_Can you tell me?_**

Tom **_No. But I can show you. Let me take you back 50 years ago._**

Harry **_Before you do! From Harry. PS Ok you can do it!_**

_Harry is transfered in the book. Harry finds himself in Hogwarts and sees Tom._

Harry Oh hi Tom!

_People comes in with a petrified boy._

Dude #1 Someone has been petrified.

Harry Hello? Tom? Can you even hear me?

Dumbledore Tom! What are you doing here wandering in the halls.

Tom I just had to see if it's true.

Harry No fair! He can hear Dumbledore but not me! I hate being the one who is ignored.

Dumbledore I'm afraid it is. Goggles my pet cat have died a few days ago. He was... eaten by a bird.

Tom ? Cats eat birds! Birds don't eat cats.

Harry Well now they do.

Tom I meant that if the Chamber of Secret was opened.

Dumbledore I don't think it is but I guess it is.

Harry It is you doofus! It is opened!

Tom What happens if the person who opened it is caught?

Dumbledore It is likely he will be expelled and I can get a dog named Bo Bo.

Harry Wasn't that the dog that died a few weeks ago?

_In the Dungeon._

Tom **Alohomora!**_ Door opens and Hagrid is there._

Hagrid Okay, Aragog! Now eat drink some blood!

Tom I knew it! Hagrid, you opened the Chamber of Secrets. I know you did. That infant spider of yours is the monster.

Hagrid Aragog? I swear he did nothing!

Tom  Likely story! Step aside Hagrid.

Harry Wow. Hagrid is the Heir of Slytherin...awesome!

Hagrid NO!

Tom Step aside Hagrid.

Hagrid NO!

Tom ** Cistem** **Aperio!**_ Box opens. A spider crawls out of it._ **Arania Exumai!** _Spell misses._

Hagrid Aragog! No! You forgot to give me my blood sample! NO!!!

Tom They'll have your wand for this and your blood sample. You'll be expelled.

Hagrid B-b-but I'm no Heir of Slytherin! I'm the Heir of Giants!

Harry Yeah yeah yeah. We all know that. _Feels like being pulled away._ Ahh! Aragog! Whoever he is. Aragog!

_Comes out of the book and back on the chair._

Harry Whoa! I read a book! Actually, this is the first book I ever read! It didn't have a word! Sweet! I have gotta tell Hermione and Ron! _Runs away._

* * *

_How sad. Harry never read a book in his life. :( Oh blah! Just please give me some reviews. Please. Thank you very much!_


	15. The Diary and Hermione

_And here we are! Another fun chapter! I hope you like it. Well here it is!_

* * *

_In the grounds._

Harry I know it! The person who opened the Chamber of Secrets must be Hagrid!

Hermione How can it be Hagrid? He'd tell us!

Ron I think that Tom sounds bad! He must be the one!

_Harry and Hermione stares at Ron._

Harry Um. I don't think he must be the one. Just because he's in Slytherin doesn't mean he's the Heir of Slytherin.

Hermione Yeah. I also think that. He seems nice.

Ron Just saying. You know how can we ask Hagrid? Hello Hagrid, tell us have you opened the Chamber of Secrets?

Hagrid You wouldn't be talking about me? Would you?

Harry and Hermione No!

Ron Yeah! Please Hagrid, tell us have you opened the Chamber of Secrets?

Hagrid I opened the Chamber of-

Ron Ah hah! He has!

Hagrid Bowtrukle legs. Ahhahaha!

Hermione Um. If you opened anything would you tell us?

Hagrid I'd tell Harry and Ron.

Hermione But why not me?

Harry Because he despises you and you're a geek!

Hagrid That's right. Well I should be off now. _Walks away._ Hi Neville!

Neville Come! You have to see what happened in the Gryffindor Common Room!

Harry Huh? Why?

Neville I don't know. What I know is that I'm supposed to say that.

Harry Ohhhh...

_In the Gryffindor Common Room._

Neville See how messy the room is? _Paper, poop, pee, barf, cardboard, ect. everywhere._

Harry No. This is all normal. I saw this before.

Hermione No we haven't!

Ron Someone must have been looking for something.

_Harry and Hermione stares at Ron._

Harry Don't act smart.

Hermione Yeah.

Ron Oh yeah. I'm the stupid one. Harry, do the honers.

Harry Someone must have been looking for something!

Neville Oh yeah. Great job...WE HAVE BEEN ROBBED!

Harry Dude! Chill, we just (Searches around the room.) lost Tom RIDDLE'S DIARY!!!

Neville You carry a diary! It's better than a skatboard! Not! _Takes out a skateboard and rides it in the stairs and then falls down._ Ow ow ow! Hey I got the hang of it now! _Falls on stairs again._ Ow ow ow! Woo. So close to doing my-_ falls on stairs._ Ow ow ow! Get off me you stupid bird!

Harry What a hobo.

Hermione I concur. Oh no! I'm late for the library!

Harry _Sarcasm. _That's something we don't hear everyday.

Ron Yes we do.

Harry I meant it in sarcasm!

Ron No you didn't! You said it in...

Hermione Oh shut up to the both of you! I going now!

_In the quidditch tent._

Wood So you all remember the plans?

Team No. Not really.

Wood Sigh. Does anyone have an easier plan. If you don't! We use my plan! My plan is not to plan!

George Fred and I do!

Wood What?

George Okay. Since we're beaters we have bats. With the bats we can smack the Hufflepuff team in the head and Harry will catch the snitch.

Wood But then we'd be disquilified.

Fred Well then. We'll hit the coach, Madam Hooch.

Wood Still. We'll be out.

Fred Oh FINE! WE'LL HIT EVERYONE IN THE STAGE!

Harry Fred, George? Have you been drinking coffee?

Fred and George _Hides away mug of coffee._ NO!!! What makes you think that?

Wood You know what! Lets stick to my plan!

Team What's your plan?

Wood _Scoff._ Well we're obviously gonna lose.

Team Lose what?

Wood The game!

Harry Oh! Well so what! By the way, they're all afraid of my "Heir of Slytherin" stuff.

Wood Hmm. You have a point there.

_Proffesor McGonagall appears._

McGonagall Your game has been cancled.

Wood Oh shit. But I have to play! I'll have class if we don't play!

McGonagall Oh shut up! Harry you should come to the Hospital Wing and bring your friend with you.

Harry My friend?

McGonagall The Weasley?

Harry Oh. _Walks over to Fred and George._ Hey, Proffesor McGonagall told me to bring you somewhere.

McGonagall Ronald Weasley.

Harry Huh? Ronald from McDonald? I don't know where he is here.

McGonagall Oh shut up!!!

_Proffesor McGonagll, Ron(Not the one from McDonald.) and Harry are in the Hospital Wing._

McGonagall Now what your about to see is something very shocking. _Shows Hermione petrified._

Ron Oh blah! I thought it was Hermione or something.

Harry That is Hermione you hobo!

Ron No way! _Looks at Hermione._ Now that you say it. HERMIONE! NOOOO!!!!! LOOK AT WHAT HAPPENED! YOU DIED!

McGonagall She was only petrified. That's all.

Ron What the hell! You pervert! Since Hermione's know-it-all-act was addicting to people the geek god killed her.

Harry Oh shut up you pervert! She's only petrified! By the way? Who needs her?

Ron _Stops crying_. Now that I think of it. You're right! I mean who needs this Know it all? I mean she even through my letter away!

Harry What letter?

Ron _Takes out a letter in the garbage._ **_Dear Hermione From Ron._**

Harry and McGonagall Get a tutor!

McGonagall Does this look familar to you? _Takes a mirror._

Harry Hey! Isn't that the gift I gave her for Christmas? _People stares at her._ Um. No. Not at all.

* * *

_Dan dan dan! Please give me reviews. I know this wasn't so funny. Sorry that it isn't. Reviews makes you happy! No reviews makes you sad. Well thank you for reading this!_


	16. Aragog

_And once again another LONGER CHAPTER is updated. Hope you like it._

* * *

_In the hall._

Harry I wonder what made the petrifying process.

Ron What more do you have to do? Hermione was getting smarter than the geek god so he killed her!

Harry You mean petrified.

Ron Um...is that a word? I don't reckon it's a word.

Harry_ Rolls eyes._ Petrified, Frozen from a shocking thing. Ring a bell yet?

Ron No my bells not ringing. _Takes out a bell._

Harry Well I guess I'm the new smartie here.

Ron No you're not! I am the new loser!

Harry I know you are a loser.

Ron So what! I don't even know what 0+0 is.

Harry It's 0 you dumbass.

Ron Don't be so mean!

Harry _Sees spiders. _What are they doing there. I reckon we should-

Ron HOLY CRAP! SPIDERS! I AM SO SCARED! MOMMY!!!

Harry Dude! Calm down! Let's go to Hagrid.

Ron Hagrid? Who's Hagrid?

Harry You forgot to take your pills. Right?

Ron I have pills?

_Outside of Hagrid's hut._

Harry Wow. Hagrid sure likes the way of the muggle. He made a doorbell.

Ron Muggle? Is that a mug with glue?

_Harry rings doorbell. Harry and Ron put on an invisibility cloak on. Hagrid comes in with a croosbow._

Hagrid Reveal yourself! _Harry and Ron takes off invisibility cloak._ I knew it! Strangers! _Shoots Ron. Ron goes flying._

Ron AHHH!!!!!!!!

Harry What the hell! You shot Ron!

Hagrid Don't worry. This is just made with bullets that's just strong wind.

Harry So he's still alive?

Hagrid Only if he forgot to take his pills.

Harry Ron is very lucky today.

_Inside the hut._

Hagrid Would you want tea?

Ron Tea? Oh! You mean Key! Yeah I want a key.

Harry He forgot to take his pills today.

Hagrid Oh. I understand now.

Harry Have you heard about Hermione?

Hagrid Hmm? No I don't think so. Fill me up with the gossip.

Harry She's been petrified today.

Hagrid Petrified? What's petrified?

Harry What the hell! Why doesn't anyone what petrified means!?

Ron Why do you say what the hell so much?

Harry Ever heard of catch phrase?

_Door knocks._

Mystery dude Hagrid! You there?

Hagrid Put the cloak on! _Harry and Ron puts on a cloak. Opens up the door._ Who are you!?

Dumbledore It's just me and Cornileous Fudge.

Ron He's a fudge?

Fudge Hello Hagrid. Nice to meet you.

Hagrid What the hell are you doing here?

Harry Hey! No stealing my catch phrase!

Fudge Who were you talking to?

Hagrid Hmm? Uh Fang?

Dumbledore And where is Fang?

Hagrid About that.

_In the invisibility cloak._

Harry Fang! Get out! Ron? Do you have something with you?

Ron _Eating Dog poo._ Uh maybe.

_Back in the conversation._

Fudge I'll have to tell you Dumbledore to step aside.

Dumbledore What the hell! You people are telling me step aside! First Bo Bo dies! Now this! Absoloutly not!

Fudge No one cares about that stupid dog.

Hagrid Pff. What's next? Lucios is coming in? _Lucios comes in._

Lucios Hey good prediction!

Hagrid What are you doing here? Get out of my house!

Lucios You call this a house?

Hagrid Damn straight I do!

Lucios Where do you sleep?

Hagrid In a litterbox.

_Awkward pause._

Fudge Okay. That was just...weird.

Hagrid What do you want?

Fudge Well it is proven that you have opened the Chamber of Secrets so we must put you in Azkaban.

Hagrid Shh! You're not supposed to say that until book three!

Lucios Anything to say before you leave your...house?

Hagrid Um. If you want anything just follow the spiders! Yup. That's all I have to say.

_Everybody but Harry and Ron and Fang leaves._

Harry That was a stupid thing to say.

Ron What happened?

Harry Follow the spiders. That's what we should do.

Ron What! Are you mental?

Harry Oh shut up! Let's just go.

Ron But haven't you heard that Rupert Grint is afraid of spiders? There's a fact to that!

Harry Sigh. Looks like I'll have to maul him to follow me. Come on Fang!

_In the Forbidden Forest._

Ron Why does the spiders have to be in the Forbidden Forest?

Harry Shh! Come on!

Ron I'm scared Harry.

Harry Oh that just means your a wimp! Even Fangs not afraid! _Points at Fang who is wearing a silver suit of armor._

Ron He doesn't look so brave to me. He's wearing armor.

Harry I made him to a knight!

Ron If you made him a jedi knight where's the lightsaber and the black robe.

Harry The old medievil knight you idiot!

Ron Oh...what's a-

Harry Shh! The Spider trail seems to stop here.

_Harry and Ron is in a place where there is a big web._

Aragog Hagrid! Is that you?

Harry We're friends of Hagrid.

Aragog Hagrid sent mens?

Ron Well he sent one of them._ Points at Fang who is still wearing his Suit of Armor._

Aragog I never talked to you! I meant this other dude!

Harry Aren't you blind? I heard in websites that you are. How did you know it was Ron who answered?

Aragog I can still hear you! Why did you come?

Ron Well Harry dragged me here.

Harry We are wondering if Hagrid opened the Chamber of Secrets.

Aragog What the hell! Hagrid have not opened the Chamber of Secrets!

Ron Harry!

Harry Shh. Are you the monster of the Chamber of Secrets?

Aragog No! I am not the monster of the Chamber of the Secrets! I never had access in the castle. Instead I lived in a small box.

Ron Harry!

Harry Shut up! Then how about the blood sample?

Aragog Blood Sample? What does that have to do with the movie?

Harry Er forget that question. Do you know what the monster is?

Aragog We do not speak of it! The creatures that live deep within the Chamber is what us spiders fear! With one look of its eyes the living thing will be fatal!

Ron Harry!

Harry What!?

Ron _Points at mob of spiders._

Harry What's so bad about that? It's not like it's going to eat us or anything. Who does this belong to?

Aragog Me! My wife and I made some children!

Harry Wow! You two must have been busy! What confuses me is shouldn't you be dead? I mean when the females done mating the male doesn't the male die?

Aragog Eh. What the hell. Kill them!

Harry and Ron AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

_Mob of Spiders tries to attack Harry and Ron. Harry hits some with the lamp._

Ron Know any spells?

Harry Look who's talking now!

Ron _Clumsly hits Harry's hand and makes Harry drop the lamp._

Harry Aw! Look at what you made me do! Now I have to use my wand!

_A blue car comes out of nowhere._

Harry We're rescued! Hooray!

Ron What the hell! That's worser than a monster! Have you seen the pollution and gas price lately!?

Spiders EAT THE HUMAN MEAT! HEY THAT RHYMES!

Ron Then again! _Runs into the car._

Harry **Arania Exumai!**_ Spider goes flying. Harry goes inside the car. Fang also goes inside._

Ron Okay. The fly button! _Presses a button. The car does a spin. Ron presses another button. ar turns yellow. Ron presses another button. Car turns into a spider._

Harry _Presses button. Spider turns into car. _We're gonna die in a stupid car!

Ron What's the fly button!

Harry Oh I'll have to drive the car!

_Car drives normally. _

Ron_ Flintstone Themesong._ Ronald Weasley! Ronald Weasley! He's the stupid guy of trios! Ronald Wealey! Ronald Weasley! Look at that black spider! _Spider attacks Ron through the window and starts choking him._ Ack! Harry help!

Harry Oh shut up! We have to try making the car fly!

Ron Ack! Help! I'm dying!

Harry Oh shut up!

Ron I'm going to throw up now if the spider keeps choking me!

Harry Oh hell no! In that case! **Arania Exumai!** _Spider goes flying._

Ron Thanks. _Starts barfing everywhere._

Harry Aw sick man! That was just sick! Hey the car is flying what do you know!

Ron I'm going to lose a lot of insurance because of this.

_Car flies safely to Hagrid's house. Sort of._

Ron Follow the spiders! If Hagrid comes back from Azkaban I'll kill him!

_Car drives away._

Ron Wow. There goes $5000.00.

Harry Well we learned 2 things. One, you barf when you are being choked. Two, Hagrid was...guilty. I mean innocent.

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_Oh man! The story is almost over! That's bad. Wait a minute, that's also good! Sort of. Remember to give me reviews! Okay! Okay._


	17. In the Chamber of Secrets

_In a few chapters the story will be over. I'm thinking of writing a Narnia or High School Musical story after I'm done with this story. Don't worry, I'll still do Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. I am going to try making this really long! Here it is!_

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_In the Hospital Wing._

Harry We wish you were here Hermione. We need you.

Ron We need you Justin.

Harry What the hell!? What does Justin know? He's just an average student!

Ron Nuh uh. Justin is an average AND STUPID student.

Harry Oh shut up! Hey something's in Hermione's hand! _Takes out a piece of paper._

Ron Read it!

Harry **_Of the many fearsome and monsters that roam our land, there is none more curious or more deadly than a basilisk, known as the King of Serpents._**

Ron But how about the basalisk that are girls? They can't be kings!

Harry Shut up! This is what JK Rowling wrote so accept it!**_ This snake which may reach gigantic size and live many hundreds of years, is born from a chicken's egg, hatched beneath a toad. Its method of killing are most wonderous, for aside from its deadly and venomous fangs, the Basalisk has a murderous stare, and all who are fixed with the beam of its eye shalll suffer instant death. Spiders flee before the basalisk, for it is mortal enemy, and the basalisk flees only from the crowing of the rooster, which is fatal to it._** It all makes sense!

Ron What I don't get is a hunderd feet basalisk dies from a a feet rooster's crow.

Harry Well it seems that the strong basalisk has a weakness.

Ron Where is the basalisk?

Harry It seems Hermione already answered that. Pipes.

Ron Do you mean pipe cleaners? I have loads of them!

Harry Eh no. Look. Hermione was petrified because of... the mirror! She only saw the basalisk's reflection. And Justin...saw it through Nearly Headless Nick! Nick got full blast but he couldn't die! He's already dead! Colin saw it through his camera!

Ron How about Ms Norris I bet she didn't have my mirror _(Harry stares at Ron.)_ or a camera!

Harry ...the water.

Ron Why do we even have to know all this?

Harry I dunno. I like being a jerk.

Ron What! You're gay! I'm cool!

Harry You're a consipated overated outstyle loser!

Ron What if I am!

Harry Didn't a girl die in the girls bathrroom? Lets see...

Harry and Ron Moaning Myrtle!

Speaker Students must return to there dormetories!

Harry What!? Hell no!

Ron Lets spy on the teachers!

_In the "Teacher" Conversation._

McGonagall Oh this is bad. Very bad.

Dumbledore What? All there is is a writing.

Snape A very bad one.

McGonagall Ginny has been taken.

Gilderoy Well that is very sad! A girl's body is gone. I could've saved her.

Snape You have this thing about being the best wizard ever.

McGonagall Very well. We'll leave this problom to you Gilderoy.

Gilderoy Say wha?

Snape If you're so strong kill the monster.

Gilderoy B-b-best idea! I'll just be in my room getting ready! _Teachers leave._

Ron What does that say Harry? You're the smartie here!

Harry **_Her Skeleton will lie in the Chamber forever._**

Ron Oh blah! Who cares about Ginny!?

Harry I do. I won't get to make out with her!

_In the Defense Against the Dark Arts room._

Harry Lockhart might not be any help but he knows about the Chamber!

Ron What Chamber?

Harry Sigh. _Opens doors and sees lugages everywhere. _Are you going somewhere?

Gilderoy Well um. Yes! i'm going to Florida!

Harry What about-

Ron California? Go to Hollywood and see the Red Carpet!

Gilderoy Ooh! Good idea. Want to come with me?

Ron Really!? Okay!!!

Gilderoy Okay! Get your Suitcase ready!

Harry What the hell! What about Ginny?

Ron Well that's your problem!

Harry She's your sister!

Ron So?

Harry So don't you care about her?

Ron You only want to save her because you love her!

Gilderoy Do you love her?

Harry _Blushes._ Uh no.

Gilderoy Look I have to go to California. What do you know! I don't have money for you to come with me!

Ron What the hell!

Harry Not my catch phase!

_Ron takes out a bazooka._

Ron Say hello to my little friend! _Ron drops because the bazooka is so heavy._

Gilderoy What an ass.

Harry All those books! You made them and you're running away!

Gilderoy Books can be decieving!

Harry Thank you! Someone who agrees with me!

Gilderoy Boy don't you use your common sense!? People wouldn't have bought the books if they didn't think I wrote them!

Harry You're a fraud! You've just been taking credits of what other Wizards have done! What book did you make?

Gilderoy This one! _Takes out a book labled "I'm so Smart and Sexy!" with a drawing of an ugly looking Gilderoy in it._

Ron Is there something you can do?

Gilderoy Yes! Actually I have been gifted with Memory Charms. Which I'll have to do to you! _Harry and Ron takes out a bazooka. Ron accidently drops his bazooka which landed on Gilderoy's foot._ YEOW!!

Harry Good one Ron! Drop the wand Lockhart!

_In the Girls' bathroom._

Myrtle Why are you here?

Harry We're wondering how you-

Ron turned blue when you died! It's so weird!

Harry How did you die?

Myrtle Well I tell you the story. This boy was teasing me about my glasses so I cryed in the bathroom. Then I heard a voice. I knew a boys so I told him to go away! Then I died.

Harry How exactly did you die?

Myrtle I don't know I was distraught!

Ron I think you mean destroyed.

Myrtle I did remember seeing big yellow eyes over there. _Points at the sink._

_Harry finds a snake in the sink._

Harry This is it! This is where the Chamber of Secret lies!

Ron _Eating Poop from the toilet._ Mmm. Bay Gomebing in Latinbomb!

Harry What? Can you speak up?

Ron _Eats poop._ Say something in Parseltongue! Take your time. _Eats poop from toilet._

Harry Hasasosithsook. (Open you stupid door!) _Door opens._

Gilderoy Well now that you have found the Chamber of Secrets it's time for me to go! _Gets ready to run away. Harry and Ron pushes Gilderoy who is nearly falling in the pit._

Harry Ron, there's brown stuff on your cheek.

Ron Oh! Must be the poop.

Harry Aw sick man!

Gilderoy Say what happens if I take you to Wonkaland? _Harry and Ron pushes him down the pit._ Ahhhh!!!!!Moo. Ahhhhhh!!!!!!!! Cheep! Ahhhh!!!! It's really filthy down here.

Harry Our turn.

Myrtle Harry, if you die you're welcome to share my toilet.

Harry Um. Thanks Myrtle. _Harry and Ron falls in the pit._ AHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Ron AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! MOMMY!

_Falls down to the Chamber of Secrets. Bones are everywhere._

Ron Hey look!

Harry What? Did you find the door to the Basalisk?

Ron No! I found chocolate! _Eats a Hershey Bar._

Harry EW! That's mold!

Ron Better to have toppings.

Harry Oh shut up and follow wherever I go! Aye?

Ron ...aye.

Gilderoy ...aye...

_In this place they find a snake's skin._

Harry Come on you slow pirates!

Gilderoy OH MY GOD! WE FOUND A GIANT SNAKE! _Screams like a girl._

Harry It's a snake's skin!

Ron Whatever shed this must be 50 feet long. Or more! _Gilderoy faints._ Heart of a lion this one.

Gilderoy _Steals Ron's wand and points at Harry._ Your journey ends here boys. Don't worry. Everyone will know how I was so close to save the girl but was too late and how you boys became gay. You first Harry. **Obliviate!**_ Spell backfires! Gilderoy goes flying and falls down._

_Rocks falls everywhere!_

Harry Holy shit! _Dodges Rocks. One nearly hits him._ Why are all the rocks getting me!? Get Ron!

Ron Harry! Harry! You okay!?

Harry No I'm not okay! A rock destroyed my gameboy!

Gilderoy Hello. Who are you? Who am I?

Ron Harry! Lockhart's spell backfired! He got annesia!

Gilderoy Wonderful place here. Do you live here?

Ron I'm actually thinking of living here. So I guess.

Gilderoy Really? _Ron hits Gilderoy with a rock._

Ron What do I do!?

Harry Hey! You do nothing! I'm the hero!

Ron B-b-but I want to help!

Harry Oh blah! Do what you want! I really have a Rescue Mission to do so Good luck with your talk with Lockhart!

Ron You can't leave me here!

Harry Oh really? _Walks away._

Ron NOO!!!!!!!!!

Harry Heh heh. I love being the hero.

* * *

_I think this was really long! There's only 2 chapters left so I'm going to try making the chapters longer. I hope you really liked this. Good or Bad please give me reviews! I also need some hints how to get reviews so in your reviews if you want please give me a few hints. Get typing with your reviews now!_


	18. Harry vs The Basalisk

_Here is a new chapter! Kinda long and sort of funny. Haven't you heard that you can't play as Hermione and Ron in the Order of the Phoenix game because if you haven't now you know. It sucks because we won't hear the phrase "Look! Beans!" from Ron and Hermione's annoying "Stop talking about beans!" Now that we're off topic lets go back to the topic we were talking about. Please read and Review this long chapter._

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_In this place Harry sees a wheel with snakes in it._

Harry Hmm. Doesn't seem real at all. How do I open the door to save Ginny?

_Harry starts thinking for a long time until he hear Rons voice in his head._

Ron in a speech bubble Say something in Parseltongue!

Harry Oh thanks! Now go away! _Destroys Speech bubble._

Ron in a speech bubble NO! I don't want to talk to Gilderoy all day! NO!

Gilderoy in a speech bubble 27! Heh heh! Who's Gilderoy? Is she my aunt?

Harry Oh shut up and deal with it! Hasashi! (Fake Snakes!) _Snakes slithers away making door open._

_Harry runs into the door and see 2 rows of snakes heads._

Harry Whoa! This place is huge! I wonder what happen if I forget Ginny and move into here? _Thinks of Ginny and then Ginny with x on her eyes and then Harry looking sad._ Whoa! I'll never get to flirt with her!

_Harry sees Ginny holding a diary._

Harry I always knew reading makes you go to sleep. Wake up Ginny! Wake up! Whoa she must have read a lot! Wake up!

Mystery dude She won't wake.

Harry _Sees Mystery dude._ Holy crap! You're Tom Riddle!

Tom I'm Tom Riddle as his ghost.

Harry You don't seem like a ghost. You look solid.

Tom Well the animator somehow didn't make me a ghost look so deal with it!

Harry Should we save Ginny? We're losing time!

Tom Oh blah! You know that Ginny will die in a few minutes right?

Harry Whoa she read WAY to much of this!

Tom It's the diary she had then you had then back to her.

Harry Well if the diary is blank, how did she faint?

Tom You see. As poor Ginny is on the ground I grow stronger. _Takes Harry's wand._

Harry Give me back my wand Tom.

Tom You won't be needing it. You know how Voldemort wasn't able to kill you!?

Harry No. Not really.

Tom It was mom's stupid love! Let me show you a tape that one of my-

Harry Don't say the word! I'm not supposed to know until movie 4!

Tom Minion recorded. _Takes out a tape recorder and puts it on._ Watch!

_Shows a man in cloak go into Harry's house. _

Hooded man **Alohomora!** _Door opens._ This will be like stealing candy from a baby.

_In the house the Hooded man points his wand at a man._

Tom Do you know who he is?

Harry Proffesor Kirke from The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe?

Tom No! That's your dad!

Harry What the hell!

_Back to the tape._

Mr Potter What are you gonna do?

Hooded man **Ava-**

Harry No one is supposed to know that until book 4!

Tom Oh blah! Skip the boring part then. _Stops Tape Recorder._

Harry So now what?

Tom Let me tell you why those writings were on the wall. It was from this girl.

Harry What the hell!? Ginny wrote the message!? Why?

Tom Why? Why!? Because I told her too! Ginny is the one who opened the Chamber of Secrets.

Harry NO!!! If everybody knows I'm not the Heir of Slythrin I'll have trafic in the hall forever!!!

Tom How is it the great Voldemort died from a mere baby.

Harry I dunno. He was very ugly?

Tom He was the greatest sorcerer ever!

Harry Albus- well maybe he is. But I beat him so I am!

Tom Let me show you something. _Writes **TOM MARVOLO RIDDLE **and then arranges it into **I AM LORD VOLDEMORT.**_

Harry Oh my god! You're Voldemort.

Tom You didn't think I'd keep my filthy muggle father's name did you?

Harry Oh shut up and release the basalisk!

Tom With what weapon will you kill it with?

_Fawkes comes in with a hat and gives it to Harry._

Harry Can a hat kill someone?

Tom I don't think it can.

Harry Oh shit I'm doomed. _Drops hat and runs away._

Tom Hasatsha! (Open the House!) Parseltongue won't save you now Harry it only obays me!

_Basalisk appear looking like a big green snake._

Harry Pant pant! Don't look at the eye! _Runs away._

Tom This is where the fight begins! ChoSarkakoss! (Chase Harry now!) _Basalisk chases after Harry._

_Harry keeps running away from the basalisk until he slips. Fawkes comes out of nowhere and gives the basalisk a bloodshot._

Harry Ew. Just by hearing the voice makes me know what is happening.

_Fawkes flies away as basalisk moves it's head everywhere._

Tom No! You can still smell him! Smell him!

Harry Well at least I can look at it's eyes now. _Runs away. Basalisk chases after Harry._

_Harry keeps running until he sees that he had ran into a dead end. Basalisk opens his mouth wide open._

Harry Eww! You really need a breath mint now! Actually no! Brush your teeth or if you want do both of them!

_Basalisk gets embarrased and opens its mouth wider._

Harry Wait a minute! It can't see anything so._ Harry throws a rock. Basalisk goes away._

_Harry runs back to the Chamber where the basalisk appeared._

Tom You're too late. In a few minutes poor Ginny will be dead.

_Basalisk comes up from a pool of water._

Harry _A flower appears from the hat._ I don't think a flower can kill a huge basalisk._ A sword appears from the hat. Harry takes the sword._ Aw man! It's only 1 1/2 feet long! _Tries to run to the basalisk's house and climb on it while the basalisk is trying to kill Harry._

_Harry runs toward the basalisks house until he climbs up 1/4 of its house. Harry starts doing a left swift slash and then a right swift slash. Basalisk opens its mouth and tries biting Harry until he dodges._

Harry Whoa! That will need some fixing after the fight.

_Harry does an underhand slash and right swift slash. Basalisk tries to smash Harry with its head but misses. Harry starts climbing up the house dodging the basalisk's bites. Harry stops climbing after being half way to the top and does a right slash and then a spin slash. Then he does a stab. Nothing happens to basalisk. Basalisk does a bite which Harry dodges._

Harry Dude! Stop destroying your house because-AH! _Dodges a basalisk's head smash._

_Harry does two stabs and then an underhand slash. Basalisk still feels nothing._

Harry What do I have to do to kill you?

_Harry climbs 3/4 of the basalisks house and does a tri slash. Then he does a sharp lunge. Basalisk tries to smash Harry with its head and then tries biting him but Harry dodges both of them. Harry does two left slashes and then dodges a bite from the basalisk. Harry takes out a water bottle and drinks it until the basalisk takes Harry's water bottle and drinks it._

Harry Hey! That was mine! Grr!

_Harry does 2 spin slash and then climbes to the head of the house. The basalisk tries to knock Harry off by doing a swift left nudge. Harry does an x chop and then does a left slash. The basalisk does a big crunch with its teeth which almost knocks Harry down. Harry does 2 left slashes until the basalisk opened its mouth which smelled so bad that Harry fell down 1/4 and lost his sword. The sword is about to fall._

Harry No! Not the sword!

_Harry tries climbing up for his sword. Harry takes the sword from the hilt and then takes hold of it. The basalisk opens its mouth wide getting ready to eat Harry until Harry stabs the roof of its mouth._

Basalisk UH ER AH!!!!!

Harry AHH!!!

_Harry takes sword out of the basalisk's mouth with a tooth on his wrist. Harry slowly climbs down the house and drops the sword and falls on his knees._

Tom See how powerful the power of the basalisk is? In a few seconds you'll be dead.

Harry It doesn't really hurt at all. I feel like I drank 50 cups of Natural Grape juice.

Tom Well that's um how it works! Well you're going to die! Trust me.

Harry _Takes Ginny's diary and gets ready to stab it with the tooth. _I always loathed books.

Tom Wait no! Not my soul!

_Harry stabs book._

Harry Whatcha gonna do now?

Tom Oh shit! NOOO!!!!!! EYAH!

_Harry closes the book and stabs it. Ink comes out of it._

Tom Oh no! AH!!! _Blows up._

Ginny _Ginny wakes up._ I'm sorry, Harry! It was me!

Harry By me do you mean you told everyone that I took ballet or opened the Chamber of Secret?

Ginny Er. both. Harry you're hurt!

Harry It's not only my wrist that got hurt you know! It's everywhere.

_Fawkes comes out of nowhere._

Harry You didn't really help that much.

_Fawkes feels guilty so he cries on Harry's wrist which somehow heals._

Harry Pathetic healing power. I'm hurt everywhere!

Fawkes Well I can't cry everywhere on you with my salty tears!

Ginny So now what?

Harry I think this is the part we kiss.

Ginny Um I don't think so.

Harry Well then our relationship is over.

Ginny Nope. There's book 6.

Harry Oh right! Well it's not gonna happen for a long time.

Ginny How do we get out of here?

Harry Hmm. _Looks at Fawkes._

Fawkes Why are you looking at me!?

_Fawkes is carrying Harry, Ron, Gilderoy, and Ginny._

Fawkes I need a raise!

Harry Oh shut up and keep flurtering your wings!

* * *

_Whoa this is a long chapter! It took me over 2 hours to type this. If you give me reviews it'll be worth typing this long chapter. Hint: Give me reviews and I promise the next chapter will be funnier! Got it? Okay now please give me reviews. Okay! _


	19. The End

_Last Chapter people! No more chapters after this one. I hope you like it. By the way to everyone who reviewed lots of thanks! I'm thinking of making a Narnia or High School Musical Story or Pirate's of the Carribean after I'm done with this. I'lll still do Prisoner of Azkaban for our next parody though. I hope you enjoy the last chapter of this parody._

_

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_

_In dumbledore's office._

Harry Why are we here sir?

Dumbledore_ Smoking weeds._ Because I wanted you to be here so shut up!

Ron I wet my pants, Proffesor.

Harry Yuck! _Takes 10 steps away from Ron._

Dumbledore No wonder they call you peabrain.

Ron Um...I actually drank the pee.

Harry What the hell!? _Takes 20 steps away from Ron._

Dumbledore You know that you broke over 25 school rules am I wrong?

Harry What!? Only 25! I have gotta break more school rules! _Starts choking Fawkes._

Fawkes HELP ME!

Dumbledore 10 points for Gryffindor.

Harry and Ron Say wha!?

Dumbledore Choking Fawkes is a school rule that gains you points.

Harry Uh why is that?

Dumbledore Because Fawkes loves getting choked.

Fawkes NO, I DON'T!

Dumbledore 20 points for Gryffindor.

Harry What the hell?

Ron I want to go.

Dumbledore _Gives Ron a letter. _Send this to Hagrid.

Ron Um...okay.

_Ron goes out of the door._

Dumbledore Anything you want to tell me?

Harry Do you have butterbeers?

Dumbledore Beside that.

Harry Did you get a new puppy?

Dumbledore Beside that, too.

Harry Can I keep Fawkes?

Dumbledore What about the speech "I should have gone to Slytherin!" What about that?

Harry What do you mean?

Dumbledore You have many qualities of Slytherin. Determination, being friends with a retard and a geek, and some disregard of breaking the rules.

Harry I think Slytherin was the house I wanted to go to.

Dumbledore So why haven't you?

Harry Because the stupid hat put me in Gryffindor.

Dumbledore Exactly! Exactly! It is your choice!

Harry But I wanted to be in Slytherin!

Dumbledore Yeah! I know! But since it was opposite day you said Not Slytherin when you meant not Gryffindor.

Harry What the hell! I ended up in Gryffindor because of stupid Opposite day!?

Dumbledore Now it all makes sense?

Harry Unfair sense.

Dumbledore Tell me if I'm wrong but I think Voldemort gave you some of his power when he died.

Harry You're wrong.

Dumbledore I am!? I better read the Prophecy even more then.

Harry Prophecy?

Dumbledore Wait until book/movie 5. I think you should look at this sword. _Gives Harry a flower._

Harry It's a flower.

Dumbledore Hmm? I'm sorry. _Hands Harry a sword._

Harry _Examines the sword._ **_Jack Sparrow?_** Who the hell is he?

Dumbledore The other side.

Harry **_Godric Gryffindor._**

Dumbledore Only a true Gryffindor is able to pull this out of a hat.

Harry I pulled out a flower and then the sword.

Dumbledore Well...that's a bit awkward.

_Lucios and Dobby bursts in._

Harry Dobby! _Looks at Lucius._ So this is your master!

Dobby Uh huh.

Lucius I came here for a reason. I think you should have been gone! We told you to step aside but did you? No!

Dumbledore Get to the point.

Lucius Oh shut up! Have you found the heir?

Dumbledore Air? Air is all around us!

Lucius The Heir of Slytherin.

Harry I have. It was Tom Riddle.

Lucius I knew it!

Harry Knew what?

Lucius That he opened it!

Dumbledore And how is that?

Lucius Um... oh. I knew you bought a new puppy.

Dumbledore Hmm? Duckydoo? Oh yes.

Lucius I'll get my revenge on you, Harry! In Book 5! Come Dobby! _Lucius and Dobby leaves._

Harry Hmm. I wonder what happens if I do a prank on Dobby. Can I have that Diary?

_In the hall._

Harry Mr Malfoy! Mr Malfoy! _Hands Lucius the diary._ Keep it.

Lucius What the hell!? I'm not keeping that!

Dobby Should Dobby carry it sir?

Harry Give it to Dobby.

Lucius Don't tell me what to do! _Throws diary to Dobby's face._

Harry Open it.

Dobby _Dobby opens diary and sees a sock._ Master gave Dobby a clothing. Dobby is free!

Harry What? Are you going to say P.U or something?

Dobby No. It's a clothing!

Harry What!? My prank wasn't funny!?

Dobby Nope.

Harry NO!!!

Lucius You lost me my servent!

Harry I'm sorry sir! I just wanted to do a prank!

Dobby Master shall not harm Harry Potter!

Lucius **_Avada-_**

Dobby _Blasts a beam at Lucius. Lucius goes flying._ Once again! Captain Elf has saved the day!

Lucius I'm so gonna kill you in book 5! _Walks away._

Dobby Harry Potter freed Dobby! How can he ever repay you?

Harry Two things. 1: Never try saving my life again. 2: Next time I do a prank do what I want you to do.

Dobby Fine with Dobby.

_In the Great hall._

Headless Nick Hello Hermione!

Hermione Hello to you, Sir Nicolas.

Harry What!? You lived!?

Hermione Hey! That was so mean!

Ron Aw man! I wish you were still petrified! It was so much fun!

Harry I concur! All that annoying speech was all over!

Hermione Hey! Just because I'm smart doesn't mean I'm annoying!

Harry Yes it does.

Colin Hi Harry! I'm unpetrified! Can you sign a couple of baseballs!?_ Takes out a bag filled with baseballs._

Harry Er later Colin.

Dumbledore Since Harry once again saved all our butts! We will have no exam!

_Everybody but Hermione is happy._

Dumbledore And now lets welcome Hagrid! _Cricket starts chirping._ I said lets Welcome Hagrid!

Harry What the hell!? Where is he!?

_Hagrid comes in._

Hagrid Sorry I'm late. This ruddy owl named Errol took the wrong stop to Azkaban. Instead he went to Ass Gay Clan.

Ron _Cheeks turns red._ That's embarrasing.

_Harry gets up._

Harry I have a speach to all of you!

Malfoy I'll be enjoying this.

Harry Since our Fatso Hagrid is back we will have a new subject called Care of Magical!

Malfoy Who said?

Dumbledore I did!

Hermione Yeah! Dumbledore did!

Harry Also! Hagrid, I hope you have a bad life at Hogwarts.

Hagrid Is that an insult?

Harry Well...I guess.

Hagrid Hey thanks! Aren't you going to clap for me?

Harry Uh why?

Hagrid Because it's in your script.

Harry Oh it is? Well then. _Claps his hands. Everybody but Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle joins in._

Harry We have one thing to say before this story ends.

Ron Peace to all!

Hermione Get your knowledge to learn!

Harry And have a brave heart.

* * *

_And this is how the story ends. My second fanfic is done now. Woohoo! (Starts to dance.) I hope you enjoyed the story. Thank you to all reviewers and readers. If you didn't like the story that much I guess it's okay to have a second opinion. Remember these three things. Peace to all! Ronald Weasley/ Get your knowledge to learn! Hermione Granger/ And have a brave heart. Harry Potter._


End file.
